Stupid Linda

I have so many emotions going into this blog I can barely even write fast enough to keep up with my spastic brain right now.

But, anyways, a few days ago, I had a fucking lupus flare-up.

I woke up with that stupid fucking butterfly rash screaming back at me in the mirror. And I cannot explain this, but I had a full on severe panic attack. I could not breathe. I couldn’t find my xanax or my inhaler and I felt like I was losing my fucking mind.

I immediately called my doctor, got in to see her, and we got it taken care of. But, even when I went in to see her, I broke down bawling again. I told her I was just so fearful of “going back there” and that I can’t do it again. I can’t go back to that.

You guys, it just completely fucked with me.

Since they found my B12 deficiency, and with the lifestyle changes I’ve made, I have felt WONDERFUL. I have felt alive and spirited and happy and joyful and literally stopping to smell the roses, or in this case, the snow outside (hehe). I have talked a lot about how I feel like I got a new lease on life and I am not going to waste it. So, literally, most of my days I live in Candyland, basically. I annoyingly see positive in almost any situation and I really try to stop all negative thoughts that come my way. And I’ve gotten very, very good at that.

And then I got another flare up.

Since I have been feeling so great, I assumed my lupus was done, or even non-existent at this point. One doctor thought I never had lupus and it was just my B12 this whole time. My other doctor, however, totally believes I have lupus, it’s just gotten much better since my B12 diagnosis.

Either way, I thought I was done with it. Which is why I was so joyously happy and healthy and literally singing and dancing in my office every day at work.

But when I woke up and saw that rash on my face…you guys….I just spiraled.

I immediately went back to the first time my throat started closing and how fucking scary that was. Or the 3rd time I had to be rushed to the ER because I had bloody hives breaking out all over my body. Or the 10th time I had another hospital visit where doctors continuously told me I was lying, exaggerating, etc. Or just when the doctors simply would send me home with copious amounts of steroids with no clue what was wrong.

And I would go home and cry and go crazy. By myself. In that fucking house. Where eventually you just want to die.

I know this is a lot of heavy information, but this is the honest to God truth of autoimmune diseases.

You know how people think that a lot of people with autoimmune issues are “faking it”?

Well the truth is, yes, we are faking it. But not in the way that you think.

We have to fake being happy. We fake not being in pain. We fake “oh I just didn’t sleep that good last night” when we are so extremely fatigued that it hurts to keep our eyes open. We fake a lot of things.

But I can fucking promise you, I don’t know one person (that I’ve met) with autoimmune issues that has ever “faked” their bloody hives, blood in urine, hair loss, skin on fire, rashes, bruises, vomiting, allergic reactions to anything, etc. Not once. I don’t know how a person could fake that stuff? And why would you want to?

So, yeah. It all just came rushing back to me and mentally I couldn’t handle it. I have been so depressed about it lately and it’s hard to come out of that headspace.

Most of time, my blogs are inspirational and I try to leave pieces of wisdom that I keep learning along the way. But, the thing that I always want to be known for, is keeping it real. And this blog is very real.

And today’s message is not that uplifting. Today, we are not in Candyland. Candyland is on fire and everything is terrible.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is depression.

And depression is such a nasty little bitch. One minute you can be great! And the next, you just feel so incredibly useless, unwanted, unloved, and unneeded. To this day, I still don’t know what sets it off every time. And I definitely did not expect that lupus rash to set it off as badly as it did, but man, it really fucking did.

Fast forward to now, Sunday afternoon, and I’m back to my normal self. Thank God for therapy and all the healing things I’m doing to help me deal with this shit. But this struggle is real.

I had to get on prednisone to calm my rash down. I had to call my therapist to calm my racing thoughts down. I had to pray FRICKEN hard to see the light at the end of this all-too-familiar tunnel. I knew that I had survived it before. But, you guys, I seriously thought I was done with the lupus tunnel. I really did. I have even told people that I don’t think I have lupus anymore. I had one doctor say that too! However, my other doctor disagrees and says I might always have it.

Honestly, who knows. And it doesn’t really matter. Because it happened.

So, here we are.

Now, I’ve started to get a pretty good idea of how well my audience will interact with each blog I write based on the topic. And the heavy topics are almost always not as popular, going off of likes and comments via Facebook, BUT…….here’s the cool point and the reason that I am writing this blog…….EVERY TIME I write about heavy topics, like depression and shit, I ALWAYS get private messages from people sharing their stories with me and allowing me to connect with these amazing people who I may not ever have been able to connect with like this had we met under different circumstances.

I’m just sharing this with you guys so you get a glimpse into my mind. When I talk about how God keeps putting this message on my heart, “share your story, even when it’s hard”, I can’t even tell you how strongly that beats inside me. I can’t explain it. I will never be able to explain it, besides it being my mom is up in Heaven but turns out I can hear her all the way down here and ope, she’s still bossy AF.

So, here I am writing about the hard shit, and yes it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing. But, most importantly, it’s real. And even though depression is not a “comfortable” mainstream topic, yet, I know how many other people silently struggle with it and I just want to remind you that you’re not alone.

I’m in the cave with ya, babe. Hang in there.

A kind stranger told me something recently that just stuck with me, and it applies to this blog, so I’m going to share it with you:

“Tough situations don’t last. Tough people do.”

I cling to this mantra on the tough days. Maybe it’ll help you, too!

Happy Trails,

Em