Dear Mom, Again
How on earth,
has it been another year?
Another Christmas, another birthday,
and Easter is near.
It still doesn’t seem real,
some days I think I try to forget.
But then the universe reminds me,
that you’re not done here yet.
I see you almost everywhere,
I feel you even more.
In songs I hear on the radio,
and in my precious Theodore.
He misses you, by the way.
He asks about you everyday still.
He asked me how much it costs to get to heaven.
It’s hard to explain to a 6 year old that it’ll be his biggest bill.
He’s in church school now,
which is helping him understand where you are.
Driving home the other day he asked,
“But why does Heaven have to be so far?”
But today, for me,
Heaven didn’t feel that far away.
I felt my mom’s presence,
In every single way.
For instance, in my dream last night,
(since it’s her bday, it’s not lost on me),
That we were finally doing it.
We were at the Kentucky Derby.
And you guys, her hat,
was something you can’t even imagine.
And we were all there together,
and everyone was laughin’.
Oh sweet Jesus I miss her laugh.
Her joy, her warmth, her smile.
I miss how much she loved Theodore.
I even miss the ass-chewings once in awhile.
I know you’re at peace in Heaven,
but man, it’s hard down here on earth.
Things are different now that you’re gone,
Because it’s too hard to face that hurt.
But, somehow,
The world kept spinning.
Everyone moved on with life,
I guess another new beginning?
And now, here we are,
it’s been another year.
I still can’t believe it,
yet still know it’s very real.
I wish I would’ve known you then,
the way I know you now.
I now understand your every move,
and I should’ve taken a bow.
But I was a mouthy little shit,
and, hello…so were you!
So, yeah, sometimes shit got toxic,
But I loved you in my own way, and you did that for me, too.
I do wish you were here with me now though,
to see how much I’ve grown.
I feel like you’d feel proud
of the seeds you’ve sewn.
I know you’re watching from up there,
but you know what I mean.
I just miss you, Mom.
And I wish you were here with me.
God has been blessing me and keeping me busy,
by sending new clients my way.
And since making some major food changes,
Theodore’s behavior has wonderfully changed.
Of course, I know you know all this,
but I tell you anyway.
I’ve told you a lot of things now,
that before I could never say.
Like, how I’m sorry I was so hard on you,
some things I just couldn’t understand.
But now that I’ve walked in your shoes,
I’m totally joining the fucking band!
I just get it now.
I just get you so much better.
I get your fierce beliefs.
I get why you wrote all those letters.
And, turns out,
I am exactly like you.
The other day I caught myself saying,
“I don’t know how I know these things. I just know them. I do.”
Thank God for therapy and Jesus Christ,
and all the self-care that I do.
Because as I’m writing this I’m happy and healing,
and last year I was wiping tears off of food.
I told you I was going to be okay, mama,
the day we said goodbye.
I feel like that’s where I’m at now.
I’m sorry it took me awhile.
This all may sound sad
but it’s just part of healing.
There are weird moments of grief,
Moments of guilt, anger, regret….many, many feelings.
I’m grateful for what I’ve learned in therapy though,
that it’s okay to FEEL my feelings.
Because by getting them out,
That’s how I started healing.
Now I can talk about so many things,
and they don’t hurt the same.
Like, my mom dying.
In the beginning, I couldn’t even say her name.
But, now I say your name, Mama,
I say it loud and proud.
And now I’ll sing you your birthday song!
So, you better turn it up loud!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Heavenly Birthday dear Mama!
Happy Birthday to you!
I love you, Mom.
Em
