We Don’t Have Time

As I sit staring at the blizzard outside, I can’t help but feel a connection to it. The wind is spiraling in every direction, the snow is blocking so many paths, and the cold makes you feel numb. 

That is the perfect way to describe my emotions right now. 

As many of you know, my mom passed away a few months ago and last night, my grandpa went to be with her in heaven. 

Once again, it was a devastating blow to our already saddened family. Another rock of the family. Just gone. 

So, I am feeling a blizzard of emotions. I, too, feel like I am spiraling in every direction and feel unsure of my next path. And I definitely feel numb. I stepped outside on my back porch while it was snowing and just stood there. In the cold. In the freezing snow. I just stood there. And I didn’t feel a thing. 

It’s hard to explain heartbreak. But you know it once you feel it. It crushes you. It defeats you. And it’s hard to pull yourself out of that sadness. It’s very hard. 

All of this grief has forced me to take extra care of my mental health and make sure I am consistent with my anxiety meds. It’s not uncommon for someone to stop taking their meds when they go through a crisis because you can barely take care of yourself let alone remember to take your meds religiously. But I have made that a priority and I’m glad that I have. Because without them, I know this whole chapter of my life would be unbearable. Believe me, it is already unbearable, but without something to help my anxiety, I think it would be damn near impossible to pull myself out. So, for today, I am grateful for that extra help to get me through these really tough days. 

My family has also been a huge source of strength for me. We have all bonded together so much and still find ways to laugh. Even when we were in the hospital room, waiting for the end, my brother was telling so many stories about my grandpa and we were all just laughing. Genuine belly laughs. And I am choosing to believe that my grandpa could hear us, and I hope it made him happy. 

Even through everything, my family is still strong. They are still so supportive and loving and always here, no matter what. 

Family is an incredible thing and mine is one of the best. Obviously, I am totally biased but it’s true. My family is what has made this horrible time in our lives a little bit better every day. 

We still laugh at family dinners together and watch all of our children play. They are happy and healthy, and we are so blessed. We still make time to get together with our aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and do dinners or fun weekend trips. I know this makes my mom so happy because she was always the one doing that, and we were all so nervous who was going to do it once she was gone. Well, turns out, she taught us all well and we have managed to figure it out. Now, mind you, it’s not nearly as glamorous as my mom always did it and we definitely don’t ever bring as many snacks as she did, but we’re doing it. And that is what matters. 

Time with your family and people you love is what matters. That is all that matters. 

We get lost with so much other bullshit in life. We care so much about what he/she said about us, or who did this and that, or the next stress we have to deal with. We waste so much time on trivial things. I know that I have done this way too much and wasted so much time. 

When my mom died, all that changed for me. Something clicked inside me like the snap of a finger. I view things so differently now. We just don’t have time to waste on stupid nonsense. 

Our time on earth is very brief. Even though I had 34 years with my beautiful mom, it still wasn’t enough time. It will never be enough time. I had even more time with my grandpa and that still wasn’t enough. 

You want to look back on things and feel regret for how you should’ve done things differently. I think about the times in high school when I was a brat to my mom. Or another time when we fought about something ridiculous. I think back on that stuff and feel so guilty. Because when you’re living life, you don’t ever stop and think about how someday she won’t be here. At least I never did. I never once thought about losing my mom. Until I lost her. 

So, knowing what I know now, I am choosing to do things differently. I am choosing to spend as much time as I can with people I love. I am making the phone calls and telling everyone that I love them. I am not concerned at all with other people’s opinions of me and I kind of don’t give a shit about all that negative nonsense. Because none of it matters. 

When you are sitting next to the bed that someone you love is dying on, none of the bullshit matters. What matters is the love, the memories, the joy, the words spoken in the final hours. All the love you accumulated over the years. That is what matters. 

So that is what I am trying to focus on while I have my own blizzard of emotions going on inside me right now. I have a life full of love. So much love, in fact, that when we lose someone, it seems unbearable. How lucky are we to know love like that? To love someone so much that it just hurts to lose them. 

During this blizzard, while you are all safely bundled up at home, I hope you all have someone or multiple people in your life that you love so much it hurts. I hope you call someone today and check in and I hope you tell people you love them. I hope you get busy making more memories and I hope you get rid of any pointless nonsense. 

Because, my dear, we just simply don’t have enough time.  

Happy trails, 

Em