Divorce, babe. Divorce.

This shit ain’t for the weak. 

The first time I met my husband (now ex-husband) I was mesmerized by him. After he shook my hand and introduced himself, I knew. He walked away and I turned to my college roommate and told her, “I’m gonna marry that guy.” A few years later, we tied the knot. I’ve told you all before, affirmations and manifestations are VERY important. 

Our romance was very much like a fairytale to me. We were honestly extremely happy for many years. But, like many married couples know, hard times fell upon us, and we were not able to pull through it together. 

Now, it’s always easy to want to place blame on each other during a divorce. It’s normal to want to take out your anger on the person who hurt you, betrayed you, or whatever else. You just feel this anger piercing through you, and you want someone to pay for it. 

In my case, I wanted my ex-husband to pay. I wanted him to pay for breaking up our family, for putting me in the position he did, for wrecking our entire world. When there is infidelity in a marriage, it is scarring. It changes you. It breaks a piece of you. And that piece never heals. You are forever different. So, naturally, having experienced that, I wanted him to pay. 

But then, I was humbled. We were in a therapy session, trying to save our marriage. The counselor asked me, basically, what mistakes had I made in our marriage that could’ve possibly led to this situation. Obviously, I lost my shit when he said that. 

“YOU THINK THAT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CHOICES? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”

It was something like that. Very calm, cool, and collected. I’m sorry. I spelled psycho, crazy tantrum wrong. 

At the time, I felt completely justified by my response. Now that time has passed though, I feel incredibly different about it all. 

Back to being humbled. I finally sat down to really think about the issues in our marriage and to take accountability for it. Of course, there were things that I did wrong in our marriage. There were times when I betrayed his trust and broke his heart. We didn’t get to our ending, by one mistake. It was a buildup of many mistakes, often undiscussed and ignored over time. 

We were married for 8 years. That’s 8 Christmas’s, 8 Birthdays, many more vacations, and a billion memories. It was a lifetime. So, the day I signed my divorce papers, I called my mom and cried for several hours. We both did. It was a new kind of pain. A new kind of fear. And a new kind of normal, that didn’t feel normal at all. 

For example, I went to the DMV and had to fill out an intake form. Well, on that form there is a little box you check asking if you are single, married, or divorced. I bet most of you have never thought about that little box until now. I sure as hell never had. I had been checking the married box for 8 fucking years. I had to check the divorced box and subsequently had a full-on meltdown at the DMV. I had to leave, and again, call my mom. 

It's things like that that you don’t think of when you’re getting divorced. Also, you don’t think about sharing your child. You don’t think about how hard that is going to be to drop him off. Because you’re still in shock. But it hits you. When you are doing the sleepless nights by yourself, the ear infections, the runny noses, the potty-training, the messes, all by yourself. It hits you. You are now a single mom. 

Thankfully, I have a tremendous support system in my family and friends, so I was able to come home and start over. I was able to find myself and become her fabulously. I was able to grow as a woman and as a mother. I was able to see how strong I truly am. I was able to start a great life for myself and I did. 

Now, looking back, I see how Theodore’s dad and I simply outgrew each other. We weren’t growing together anymore. We didn’t know that at the time, but I see that now. With who we have each grown into now, I honestly don’t think we would’ve happy together. I truly don’t. I think we are much better off as friends. Theodore deserves two happy parents. He was conceived in love, and he will be raised in it. 

Yes, my ex and I are friends now. This was not always the case, and we still bicker every now and then, but we truly have Theodore’s best interest at heart. Plus, I don’t want to spend the next 15 years fighting. How fucking exhausting. Thankfully, my ex and I very much agree on this. 

However, that doesn’t make it any easier. 

After I dropped my son off the other night for his time with dad, I cried the whole way home. That Hwy 85 is awfully lonely on those drives. A million things go through your mind: was the divorce a mistake, have I messed up my child, is this what’s best for him, this is humiliating, I failed, who is going to want me now? You name it. It’s racing through your mind as tears stream down your face. 

I am at peace with my divorce now. And I love the life I have built. But I wrote this blog to shed some light on the difficulties of a divorce. It is not always the best answer. Yes, it is the answer in severe and dangerous situations. ALWAYS. But is it always necessary in all other situations? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. 

My advice for now is save your marriage. Find ways to always grow together. Find a new hobby. Start dating again. Be spontaneous. Love on each other for no damn reason. Laugh together. Cry together. Start loving all over again. Just try. Because divorce is not easy. The grass is not greener. You actually learn that the grass is shit brown and has dog turds everywhere. 

Again, I love where I am at in my life, and I don’t think I would’ve become this woman had I stayed in my marriage. So, I have no regrets, now. I am also very happy that my ex and I get along great and co-parent so well. Right now, he is happy, I am happy, and most importantly, Theodore is happy. But would I go through a divorce all over again? No. 

If you can, save your marriage. If you can’t, buckle the fuck up, my dear. It’s gonna get bumpy. 

Happy trails, 

Em