Lupus and MS and B12! Oh My!

As many of you know, I just wrote a book detailing a lot of my struggles with lupus. It has been a rough couple of years, that’s for sure!!

After I got back from my trip to New York, the one that I wrote my book about, I got really sick again. And this time, they were thinking that I possibly had MS. So, we went on to do more MRIs which, thankfully, revealed that I do not have MS.

So back to the drawing board again.

And again.

And again.

Finally, my amazing neurologist in Bismarck discovered that I have actually have a B12 deficiency!! PRAISE JESUS!!!

You may be thinking to yourselves, “that’s weird that she is so excited about something being wrong with her…”

Well, let me tell you…after the hell I’ve been through with my illnesses, where no one knew what was wrong and half the time no one believed there was anything wrong in the first place. After all that, when I got this news, of B12, I cried.

Sobbed actually.

We found it.

We found what’s been going on this whole time. A GD B12 Deficiency!! WTF!!

Now, I go in weekly and get a B12 shot and I HAVE NEVER FELT SO GOOD IN MY FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The million exclamation points are completely relevant to represent my excitement!!)

You guys…….I forgot what it feels like to feel good. I forgot how that feels.

You have know idea how hard it is to be sick all the time. No idea. It messes with every avenue of your life, especially your mental health. And some days you honestly don’t know how you are supposed to keep living like this.

And now, I feel so good. Every day. And I am overwhelmed by that. I cry a lot over that. I cry some days when I wake up not in pain. I go through my days sometimes almost skeptical that all my lupus shit is going to come back with a vengeance. Sometimes I have nightmares about being sick again and being back in neuro when I was scared I was going to die. It’s just so weird. To go from being that sick….to feeling fantastic. It just messes with you. It almost doesn’t feel real sometimes.

BUT….

It is real! I do feel great! And these B12 shots are working!!!

My doctors still don’t know why I am not absorbing B12 and we have much more testing still ahead of us, but that’s ok. We at least have a roadmap now!! And, in the meantime, I am not on bedrest every other fucking day.

However, I still have some major deficits. My left hand is still significantly weaker. My hearing is gone in my right ear. My memory loss still just amazes me the things that I have absolutely no memory of. And my balance is almost non-existent. Like, I can’t walk on ice without help. I will fall right over. So, unfortunately, I will need still need that damn cane every now and then but it’s pink and sparkly so it buffs out.

Even still, with all those issues, I feel great. I am getting better and stronger every day. I am improving every day. And I just feel so damn good. I mean it you guys. When you go through so many days of being sick, you truly forget how good it feels to just feel good.

I still have days though where I want to feel sorry for myself, as we all do. But, that’s what I wrote my book for….perspective.

Anytime I am feeling like shit or whatever, I will go back and read through my notes from that trip. The people I spoke to that didn’t want to be in the book. The stories. The pictures. All of it. I relive it all and it slaps me in the face that if they can survive that, I can survive anything.

I’m just so grateful I had the courage to take that trip, no matter how crazy it seemed to outsiders. It was life-changing. And my hope is that it has that same effect on people who read it. (You can buy a copy on my website, www.designbymca.com)

Life really is about perspective. It’s so important to try to see things in a positive light. It’s not always easy, but it just feels so much better.

However, I 100% understand those of you out there struggling with your own health issues that it’s not easy to be positive. It’s not easy to go on with your day and pretend that you’re fine. I get that. My hope with my journey is that you just don’t give up. Please keep trying. Please keep searching for answers and choosing you! You deserve it.

Because….eventually….you just might find an answer. And then, a new life begins. And it is so fucking worth it.

So, keep on keeping on. Learn to fight for yourself and do your own research. Go to therapy and heal your trauma. Get a B12 Shot!!!!! (THIS YOU SHOULD JUST DO ANYWAYS!) Get outside. Work your body. Journal. Get those negative thoughts out. Just do something for you. Just try. And then keep trying. And then try some more.

These tough battles are not easily won, but nothing good ever is. And, God is one helluva teammate. 10/10 HIGHLY RECOMMEND.

Now that my health is my main priority, it’s amazing to me how much I’ve learned about my own body, about my own health, about how bad most of the food out there is for you, about how your body is really like a machine and it just runs better when you put better fuel in it. It really is just as simple as that. And it took me 35 years to learn that.

But, it’s learned now baby! I will never go back. I will never be that old version of myself. She is dead and gone. And now, I am free, and living my most authentic life. And by golly, this is how it’s supposed to be.

And it still just blows my mind that I was so sad for so many years, and struggled with suicide, and almost wouldn’t have been here today had things gone a little differently. That puts a lump in my throat, actually. That’s tough to think about. It almost doesn’t seem real. Like, I look at how happy I am today, and then I look back at those years and it’s just almost two completely different people.

But it wasn’t two different people; they were both me. It was all me. That’s just a magnificent reminder of the power of mental illness. It will get you if you don’t get it first. It will ruin your life if you don’t get a hold of it.

As I mention in my book and all over my socials, I will talk about suicide and depression until my last breath. And hopefully, someday, the stigma will be gone and everyone will be in therapy and it will be a much happier world. That’s my hope anyways.

I bring it up though, because anyone who is struggling with health issues knows how badly your mental health goes in the toilet. It is tough. One of the toughest battles I’ve fought.

But, the battle can be won!!! You can start feeling better. You can start being happy again. And you don’t have to feel suicidal every day. I am living proof. I promise you.

I hope that by sharing my story, I inspire other people to go get a B12 shot, or go to a health specialist, or go to therapy, or go wherever your heart is telling you to go.

I just know how it feels to feel so sad and lonely, and now that I don’t feel that anymore, I want to help as many people as I can get out of that funk too. It’s an awful place to be. But you can get out of it. You can get to the side of rainbows and unicorns and butterflies.

hehehehehehehehe. Okay, maybe that’s just my happy place, but whatever your happy place is, you can get there too.

As always, just love yourself enough to know that you are worth it. You are worth saving. You are worth healing. You are worth loving. But YOU have to learn that and know that about yourself. I did anyways. I didn’t always feel that way about myself and my life reflected it. I felt like shit a lot, so I kept shitty people in my life.

Now that I feel great, I have surrounded myself with even greater people. And my life is reflecting that.

I just had to start choosing me. And my only hope with any of my writing is that I empower you to do the same.

You are so so worth it. And life is so so good on the other side.

Happy Trails,

Em