Askin’ Em’s Advice

Dear Depressed, 

I LOVED your question to me about depression.

Like, what is it? What does your (my) depression show up like? How do I handle it? Etc. 

First of all, I want to tell you how brave you are for reaching out. That’s always the first step. 

It’s never fun to talk about hard stuff. But I feel that we have veered away from the hard stuff in society which has now resulted in mad chaos of misunderstandings and frustration. 

So, today we’re gonna talk about hard stuff. But this is also real stuff. And y’all know how much I love real stuff. (I couldn’t resist putting some Nashville twang in that sentence!)

My depression is a nasty bitch. And when it spirals, it goes out of control and is very difficult to stop. 

I’ve gotten much better at managing it now through my spirituality, therapy, and meditation. But for awhile, it was touch and go. 

My depression was at an all time low when I was just beginning all my health struggles. It was honestly one of the worst hells I’ve had to deal with. 

What triggered this was while I was getting sicker and sicker, I was constantly being told that I wasn’t sick or that I was making it up. People think that because they can’t “see” some of your illnesses, that of course you must be lying. 

However, when I would go out in public when I was sick I would get told to go home and that I shouldn’t be out. (I’ve learned this is mostly because of how uncomfortable other people are by YOUR sickness.) And also, that if you go out in public looking sick, you again, must be doing that for attention. 

I’ve never understood that comment though. Pretending to be sick for attention. I know that happens. But when you are crying yourself to sleep almost every night and praying you don’t wake up in the morning, is that done for attention too? Even though you’re completely alone? 

I’ll save you some time.

No. It’s not.

I can assure you, those terribly lonely nights when you’re barely holding on, you’re not secretly thinking to yourself “Omg this is so fun! Why isn’t everyone doing this?!”

You’re just trying to survive. And somedays you can barely do it. 

And it definitely doesn’t help when the little voice in your head is telling you all the reasons why you hate yourself, why this is all your fault, why you’re a loser, and why you’re not good enough. 

An interesting thing I learned in all of this though was not everyone has that little voice. And I truly did not know that. 

Now, hear me out. I’m not talking about multiple personalities. I’m talking about that little voice we all have in our heads (the one you’re hearing as you read this). Everyone has one. 

Well, that voice for me is mean. It’s cruel. It’s hell. 

And that is depression. 

I was recently talking to my sister the other day and we had the coolest and most honest conversation that just completely rocked my world!!! My sister told me that she doesn’t have a mean voice. She doesn’t have that. At all. 

You guys. I DID NOT KNOW THAT!!

I thought everyone had that voice, but I was just a loser because I couldn’t shut it up like everyone else has!!

TURNS OUT, NOT EVERYONE HAS IT!!!!!!!!

This was a revelation for me. A real, genuine, life-changing revelation!!

I spoke to my therapist and we talked about how “that voice” (the mean voice) is DEPRESSION!!!!

Similar to a broken arm. 

So, if you are Dolly Parton and you need to go play guitar and sing all night, but you’re in a full body cast, it’s probably going to be difficult to perform to the best of your abilities, right? 

It doesn’t matter if you’re Dolly or not, when something is broken, it DOESN’T WORK RIGHT!!

That’s how depression is. 

And now I understand, that this whole fucking time I was never weak. I’ve been fighting a battle that not everyone fights. 

I’m a goddamn soldier. And I’ve been fighting this fight a long time. And learning that not everyone fights this fight just completely blew my mind. I still just cannot believe that. Like, WOW!

If you’re still not understanding what I’m talking about, imagine we are all down in a coal mine. And you need a headlamp on to see your way through the tunnels. However, some people’s batteries don’t work on their headlamps. So they have no light. But they are still trying to walk through the same tunnel you are, only in the total darkness. 

So the people with headlamps on are looking around at all the idiots fumbling around in the dark and wrecking shit, and usually judging them. 

And all the people with faulty batteries and broken lights are just trying to make it out alive, without hurting anyone…or themselves. 

WE ARE FIGHTING DIFFERENT FIGHTS.

Now that I see this differently, I understand why this is my journey. I’m going to change this stigma. Mark my words. 

How do we begin changing this, you may ask? 

By going home and loving your children. Talk to those little people in your lives the best way you can about this. Because when I was a teacher, I noticed that this depression stuff is an epidemic and our young children don’t have the tools yet to help themselves. I know I didn’t. 

So, that’s how we start. Just by talking. Talk about it. Go to therapy if ya need it. Learn to identify your emotions so you are better equipped with managing them. And that way, you’ll be more prepared to talk to your children about them. 

Theodore and I do a “feelings check” to help with that because my little boy is full of emotions, just like his mama. And I’m not going to ever let him think that’s a bad thing. However, he will need to learn how to regulate and control his emotions and that can be challenging. But it’s much easier to do when you have the tools. 

If you don’t have the tools yet, thank God we live in a time where we have so much access to help right now. Even if your finances are tight, you can find so much self-help stuff online for free.

Do the work to heal your trauma. Start journaling, go to therapy, meditate, go for a walk, etc. There are ways to help with this. Don’t just sit and suffer. We’re not doing that anymore.

This year, we’re all healing, and saving ourselves. Cheers to 2023!

Thank you for writing to me about such an important topic. I hope this helped! 

Happy Trails,

Em