Little by Little

I will admit, I’ve been a little lost lately. Due to my mom passing and then losing my grandpa shortly after, along with some other personal things going on, I have been lost. I fell into the darkness a little bit and got lost.

I have lost my sense of direction, my purpose, my motivation, my drive, my diet, my workouts, my attitude, my joy, my spirit. I lost myself. I lost a lot of things. 

It’s been more of a struggle than I’ve ever led on. And it continuously surprises me with how much harder it continues to get. I foolishly believed that it was going to get better over time. But for me, that has not been the case.

When I was in this place of darkness, instead of focusing on positive things and being grateful for things, and finding the joy, I could only see bad things. I kept trying to be positive and trying to do those things that I truly believe in. To my core. And I know that. But when you fall into darkness, you lose sight of those things. It’s just what happens. You lose sight of the things you hold dear and the values you believe in. You lose sight of it all and then the darkness consumes you.

So instead of focusing on happy memories with my mom, I went down the dark rabbit hole and thought about how someday my future husband will never know her. He’ll know stories of her and photographs, but he will never know her. And for anyone that knew my mom, you can partially begin to understand how incredibly devastating that is for me because she was such a force. She was just such a person that I would want my husband to know. 

Now, granted, my ex-husband knows her, but a lot of good that does me now!

I also struggle with thoughts about Theodore and my mom. Someday, he will barely remember her. He’s just too little. And I can’t believe she won’t be here to watch him grow up. I never get to call her and tell her another funny thing Theodore did or said. She always loved those stories. 

My sister and I have discussed how her little boy, Duke, will never know her. The day that Duke met my mom was the day she was diagnosed with cancer. Heart wrenching. 

So, when you’re in this place of darkness, you continue down the rabbit hole of bad thoughts. You continue this torture of self-destruction and self-sabotage. Even though you know it’s not good for you. You know it’s not helping. You know these things. Logically, you know all these things. 

But when you are spiraling, logic goes out the fucking window. Logic doesn’t live here anymore. 

So naturally when you’re in this state, things start to fail. I have failed my diet; I have failed my workouts. I have failed at being a mom. I have failed my business. I feel like I have just failed as a woman in general. I have failed at being a friend. This past month has been one of my worst, actually. And I’m trying to see the good things in the fact that as I’ve said before, the old version of me would’ve dove back into drinking. I would’ve numbed that pain a long time ago. But since that’s not my go-to anymore, I have had to sit with this sadness and just feel it and face it. 

And going through all this, unfortunately, puts you in a very selfish position. Because you are just trying to survive. You are in complete survival mode, so things get neglected. All the other balls you have juggling in the air suddenly drop. Because you are just trying to keep the one main ball alive, YOU. 

It’s obviously hard to admit these things. You know, it’s hard to admit when you’ve let yourself down or when you’ve let other people down. That’s not a fun place to be. But I also know that if you want to pull yourself out of it, that’s the place you gotta start from. 

And then you gotta get up, dust yourself off, and start trying again.

So, little by little, that is what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to get back to me. I’m trying to get back to laughing again and enjoying things, I’m trying to get back to being grateful and thankful for all the wonderful things I have going on in my life. And I’m learning that it’s just going to happen little by little. 

A few days ago, I leaned on a friend who has also lost her mom. We talk quite often because we both understand exactly how the other one feels. She has been a tremendous source of strength for me and I’m so grateful I have her in my tribe. 

Anyways, I was calling my friend in the middle of the dark place. I told her how I just feel like I have lost my spirit and how my bones are sad. Everything hurts. And I can’t see any light. 

In that moment, she reminded me that, little by little, this will get better. The sadness will always be there, but you learn how to carry it. In the meantime, she said, it is okay to feel everything you are feeling. There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief. And there is no timeline for it. So, I just cried to her and rattled off all the crazy things going through my head. We laughed afterwards because she empathized with every feeling I had and told me she knows exactly how I’m feeling. She was a godsend that day. 

Little by little, things do get better. The storms settle. The snow melts. And the mud begins to pile up. But Spring always comes. The crocus’ always bloom. And the new mama cows are loving on their new babies. Every Spring. It will always come. 

Little by little, Spring will come for me again. And I can already feel its presence. But man oh man, it’s been one hell of a winter. 

So, I’m kind of rebuilding myself in a new world. And people who have not lost their mom yet don’t understand this world. (Thank God because it sucks.) You cannot understand what it’s like living in a world where the one person who is programed to truly love you. Forever. That unconditional never-ending love. Forever. Is gone. She’s not here anymore. You don’t have that love here on earth anymore. And it is the loneliest feeling I have ever felt. So, it is a new world. 

And I am trying to figure out who I am in this new world. Even though it’s not as pretty as I would like it to be and I’m not doing it as eloquently as my mother probably would want me to, I can tell you that I am trying. Little by little. 

Sometimes life knocks you back down to the bottom to remind you how to fight. Little by little. 

Happy trails, 

Em