Fill the Gap

First things first, Theodore’s surgery for his tubes went great!! There was a little bit more gunk and stuff in there than they expected so it took a little longer than normal, but that makes sense. Poor Theo and his damn ears. The doctor told us at one point stuff literally came shooting out! Gross, I know, but can you imagine the relief that must’ve provided?! Poor baby!!

I love, love, love our ear doctor now, Dr. Nelson. He was so great with Theodore and explained everything to me. I just adore him and I am so grateful that he took such great care of my little boy and cleaned out his ears, repaired the damage, and then put in the tubes. (You are in our prayers, sir!)

Recovery was a little rough. At home, fluid continued to drain and ultimately caused Theo to get a really bad sore throat. So, we stayed home and snuggled a lot, which is the very best.

Theo keeps saying the funniest things about his ears. My favorite one so far is that he mentions how dry his ears feel and how WEIRD that is.

You guys, my ears ONLY feel dry. I can’t even imagine that feeling for him. They must’ve just felt so plugged!! Ugh….the poor thing!

Anyways, why this ear appointment was challenging for me, personally, was because the last time we did this, my mom was with. She always came to doctors appointments. She just knew how important that was. And this time, she wasn’t with (in person).

And that hit me like a semi truck straight in the chest.

I did not expect that emotional cyclone. I am in a very good place in regards to losing my mom. Since renewing my faith so strongly, I feel like I am able to connect with my mom in weird ways, and I am so grateful for that. But, sometimes, the days come where you simply just miss your mom. You miss her being here with you, here during the waiting room moments where you’re terrified for your child. Here for the hugs you need afterwards. Here for so many damn things. I just wish she was here.

And I needed to get that pain out. So I cried and cried and cried. I missed my mom badly that night. I wished she would’ve been there with me when I was so sad about Theo because he was in pain and screaming, and I couldn’t comfort him. I wished she would’ve been there to hug me and tell me it was going to be okay. Even though it was just a simple ear tube surgery, Theo struggles with doctors and really struggles with anesthesia. It’s usually a pretty tough experience. And my mom was just so good at those moments. And I miss that.

Well, the next day at work, I was sharing some of this with some clients of mine, who have now become very good friends, and during both encounters, I got to feel my mom’s presence again.

Both of the women I was speaking to mentioned how next time, please call them to go with me. They both told me (during separate private conversations) that they would absolutely go with me during those appointments. They both just understood why that matters.

Truth be told, I didn’t even realize how much that mattered until I was there, in that room, by myself. I didn’t realized how hard that was going to be on me. I honestly didn’t.

Sometimes, I am learning in therapy at the moment, I have become so hyper-independent that I forget that it’s okay to need people. It’s to ask for help. It’s to be worried about your son during his little ear surgery. And it’s okay to need someone to be there with you in the waiting.

So, when both of my clients offered to be there, to kind of fill the gap for me, it just overwhelmed me with emotion. It really did. Even though my mom can’t be there with me, there is a way to fill that void, fill that gap, in other ways. Like with my clients/friends who just offered to do just that.

Then, the more I started thinking with gratitude instead of sadness, I also thought about my wonderful friends in town who live nearby, and who made me a giant thing of homemade chicken noodle soup. She knows how stressful things can be as a mother, especially when you’re children don’t feel good, and she knows me and how much I absolutely hate to cook, so she filled that gap for me. And to say I was grateful for that is the understatement of the century.

I started to think over and over about all the wonderful people in my life who have filled the gap for me in so many ways. I started writing all these down in my gratitude journal. I became overwhelmed with happiness, instead of just the sadness of my mom being gone.

(Gratitude journaling is a very powerful mindset tool that helps trick your brain into thinking positively. You should try it!)

Then, I started to make a list of the ways that I have filled the gap for people, and my list was not as long as it should be. Granted, there are things on my list that I am proud of. I donate to certain charities. I volunteer to causes I believe in. I love paying for coffee for the person behind me. Little things like that. But, when I looked at my list of how much others have done for me, compare to what I have done for others, it bothered me.

But, what a cool thing to be bothered by. I have so many people filling the gap in my life, that I am disappointed in myself for not doing more for others. I could piss and moan and makes excuses for why my list isn’t as long as I would like it to be. I could say it’s because I’m tired, it’s hard being a single mom, it’s hard shutting down my business when Theo is sick, blah blah. Yes, of course those things are true. But, guess what? Those things are true for EVERYONE. Everyone has those things going on, and they are still making time to fill the gap for other people. So, I could sit and make excuses, or I can start filling the gap for anyone that I can. One of these things makes you feel really bad about yourself. And one of them makes you feel really good about yourself. And the cool thing is is that I am literally 100% in control of which one of those feelings I want to feel, good or bad, about myself.

Obviously, I want to feel good. So, I started immediately making a list of ways I could up my “fill the gap” game. Even little small things, like letting someone go ahead of you in line or taking an hour out of your “busy” day to make that phone call you should’ve made a while ago. Or even paying for someone’s coffee.

Think about if you have ever been in line at the coffee shop and when you got to the window to pay for your drink, and it was paid for! I still remember the FIRST time that happened to me. And I still love it just as much when it happens now. It just makes me so happy that a stranger did that.

Thankfully, there are people out there willing to do that. Willing to pay for someone’s coffee. Willing to go to a scary appointment with you. Willing to make you homemade soup. Willing to talk to you on the phone for hours. Just filling the gaps. Doing God’s work.

I am so grateful people like that exist. I’m so grateful I know so many like that. And, I am going to try even harder to BE a person like that.

Be a person who helps fill the gap, for absolutely no reason at all.

Just fill the gap, simply because we can.

Happy Trails,

Em