Befores and Afters

Well. It happened.

It finally happened.

I was teased for my “before picture” that I’ve posted showing my weight loss journey.

The correct term used I believe was “fat ass”.

Very, very intelligent comment, I know.

But yes. I was called a fat ass for my before picture.

You know the one. The picture of me that I’ve posted all over my social media, and even in my book. It shows me at 326 pounds.

Granted, when you first look at that picture, that is what you see; all the fat. I see it, too. I’m not blind.

But what I look at when I stare at that picture are my eyes. My eyes are the window to my soul, and in that picture my eyes are very, very sad. That picture was taken just a few months after my mom died. So, yeah, it wasn’t a good time. Zero stars.

That girl in that picture was very sad. And depressed. And wanting to join her mom in Heaven. Very badly. She was battling alcohol issues and binging-eating, all alone, while fighting off those demons in my head.

I mean, I had a lot going on. So, when I look at that picture, I don’t see a fat ass. I see a young woman who was very, very lost and scared, who was questioning her worth constantly, and struggling every single fucking day to figure out life without a mom.

Now, as much as I want to say “shame on you” to these individuals, instead I have this annoying little angel on my shoulder saying “time to pray for them”. So, that’s what I’m trying to do.

I am not really succeeding at that at the moment……but I am trying!!!!!! (hehe)

But, instead of focusing on my bruised ego, I had to think about what lesson is this trying to teach me?

I am in an incredible position right now. I have people looking up to me and it is a huge responsibility. Mostly, since I have my former students watching me, as well.

So, I kinda had to talk to Ms. V (that’s me, but in teacher mode) and think about what she would say to her kiddos about this. Because the truth is, this shit is always going to happen. There are always going to be people who treat you not great, and honestly we have to learn how to love ourselves enough so that doesn’t affect us.

Yes, it sucks. Being called a fat ass definitely hurt. But, you know what? This fat ass has carried me through a lot of rough times, when no one else’s hypocritical ass was around to help. So, while my ass may be fat, it’s reliable as hell and I never get a sore butt sitting on bleachers, so who’s the real winner here?

To be clear, this blog is not at all about anyone needing to jump in the comments coming to my defense. I am a “big” girl (see what I did there?) and I know that these comments are coming. Anytime you start standing for something, you will get haters for it. This dumb shit happens all the time to people, and especially to our growing children. We need to show them how to handle negative comments like this and how to be able to move on from it just because they know their own self-worth so damn much.

While this comment stung, it didn’t affect me the way insults have in the past. And that is an incredible feeling, and reminder of my growth.

If I can be totally honest, I truly felt bad for them, the people who said this. Because I know they must be struggling with something of their own. That’s the only time people project like that and try to tear people down. When you are truly happy, you don’t want other people to be sad. You just don’t.

Because logically, if you think about this insult, fat ass, it doesn’t even make sense. First of all, we’re in an era where people are paying shit-loads of money for fat asses. Second, I USED to look like that. I don’t anymore. So, I guess congratulations for your astute observation. Third, making fun of me for my past, is like robbing an old house of mine; I don’t live there anymore.

The coolest part of this whole thing though was the opportunity it presented for me to truly look back on all the things I’ve been through and how far I’ve come.

It could’ve gone the other way, you guys. I mean, I don’t think anyone would disagree that my life was kind of touch and go for a hot minute. I could’ve married a rancher and pretended to be happy doing that or I could’ve ran off and joined the fucking circus.

Trust me, I am just as surprised by my transformation as anyone else. But, here we are. Praise be to God, cryo, and planks!

Once I started realizing my own worth, I started making choices to reflect that. And the ball started rolling from there.

And honestly, that’s the kicker; you must know you’re own worth. That’s the only way you’re going to make it through these nasty people storms. Because they are going to happen again. And again. So, buckle up, and get to work on loving the shit out of yourself.

If this comment had been said to me years ago, I would’ve reacted differently. I would’ve have been so offended and finding ways to get back at them, etc. It would’ve pissed me off for DAYSSSSSSSSS. No joke.

However, those same exact years ago, I would’ve been bellied up to the bar right next to those bitches making those same comments.

Again, another reminder of the important of growth, and God’s grace.

I can admit that it is really hard for me to look at that before picture. It really is. I don’t remember being that heavy. I don’t remember looking like that. I did not know that I had let myself go that badly.

And I didn’t even realize how fucking sad I was until I saw that picture.

……………………………………… *dramatic pause*

But then I look at my “after picture”.

And, you guys, I can’t even tell you how happy that picture makes my heart. Just look at my eyes. They are sparkling again. And it took so much fucking work to find that sparkle again. My GOD!

So, while it’s easy to judge my “before” picture, I can confidently tell you that I no longer reserve space in my heart for “before” types of people.

I only fuck with the “afters” now.

“Before” people will judge you for your past, regardless of if you just buried your mom in the ground. They will shame you and try to make you feel small, because that’s all they have, and most likely, it’s all they know.

While that is not always an excuse, it is a good reminder of the importance of extending grace.

There was a time when I said mean things about people before, too. And I regret that.

But, I’m a firm believer in “once you know better, do better”.

Now that I know better, that’s all I’m focusing on. And to me, better equals the “after” people.

My “after” people don’t shame me for where I once was. They have been rooting for me the entire time and they are celebrating my journey with me. When they look back at my before picture, they all notice the sadness in my eyes and the pain in my heart. They have never once called me a fat ass, and they wouldn’t.

Those are the people you focus on. The people that love you and cheer you on. The people that help you be better and want you to succeed. The ones that are just as happy for you as you are for them. Those are the people you listen to.

Seriously, why on earth would you even listen to the “before” people? They are so unhappy within themselves that they are desperately trying to get rid of that pain by projecting it onto other people. When you step back and look at it as a whole, it should make you feel sad for them, and again, pray for them for they know not what (or why) they do.

Also, this is a good time to check yourself. Are you being a “before” person right now in your life? Or are you an “after” person? I have had to look inward at this myself, too.

Ding, Ding, Bitches! It’s accountability time!

I know which person I am now, and I will continue to work on myself to stay here. To try and always show compassion, when it’s easier to cast judgement. To show forgiveness instead of retaliation. To pray for them, even when it’s really, REALLY hard!

To me, this is how we will change the world. Along with loving ourselves enough to know that other people’s opinions of us truly do not define us. WE must define ourselves and stand firmly in that power.

Obviously, I will make some type of shirt reflecting this “fat ass” comment, as I did with “Jesus freak” and have that available on my website! I will build my empire from these stones. #rosiethedamnriveter

Finally, I will leave you with one last thought…

Don’t judge or be jealous of a person who is currently in a winning season. You have no idea what they lost in their losing season.

Happy Trails,

Em