Are You Listening?

The other day I was driving Theo home from school and he grabbed my phone to start picking out some tunes for us to jam to on our drive. This is something that we do every day, and I love it.

Theodore is quite musically inclined. Granted, I’m sure I’m being biased but I don’t care. Quite frankly it’s a mother’s job to be her children’s biggest cheerleader so I’m gonna cheer as loud as I can for my little boy. Anyways, he truly has a gift with music. He has perfect pitch and he could memorize songs, even back when he was little. He just has it in his blood.

So, normally, the songs he picks I love and we jam our hearts out.

But this day was different.

He plays this new song that he claims is his “favorite” and after I listened to it, my heart shattered.

The song is called “Toxic” by BoyWithUke and here are some of the lyrics:

All my friends are toxic, all ambitionless
So rude and always negative
I need new friends, but it's not that quick and easy
Oh, I'm drowning, let me breathe

I'm better off all by myself
Though I'm feeling kinda empty without somebody else
Oh, I hear you crying out for help
But you never showed for me when I was ringing your cellphone
Oh, you don't know how it feels to be alone
Baby, oh, I'll make you know, I'll make you know, oh

I'm drowning, let me breathe
I'm drowning, let me breathe
I'm drowning, let me breathe
I'm drowning, let me breathe

When you first hear the song, it is really catchy so you don’t really notice the words right away. And that’s common with a lot of songs. But I listened to this song more intensely since Theo said it was his new favorite, and I just felt so fucking sad by it.

Recently, a former student of mine passed away. He decided to end his life. I, too, am familiar with this struggle all too well, so hearing this song just pierced my heart.

Now, maybe Theodore doesn’t really understand the lyrics and maybe he doesn’t feel that way, but you guys, what if he does? What if he does and this song makes him feel better because it made him feel like someone else understands how he’s feeling? (that’s how sad songs work.)

I know that sounds so fucked up but it’s true. Music fuels your mood. Like, if you want to get pumped up, you play jumpin’ jams! If you want to cry, you play good ol’ sad songs. So, if you’re feeling the way this song says, and Theodore says it’s his favorite? That’s concerning.

To be fair, I am ALWAYS aware that I am overly sensitive on this topic. I am very cautious about it. Arguably, too cautious. So, yes, I am probably more worried than I need to be. But, you guys, it’s still just sad and hard and scary.

This is a genuine question right now, so if you read this, please respond. But is this normal? Is this just a song and I am overreacting? (listen to the song please) Have any of you ever felt this or worried? Like did my mom ever say anything to her friends that she was worried about MY depression? I just don’t know. I have a lot of emotions about it and it makes me miss my mom. But she’s dead. So, there’s that.

I’m struggling with both sides of the coin on this issue. I do believe you can be born with depression. I believe that I was. So, it’s not too far of a leap that Theodore could be. However, I also know that kids can be manipulative, and I have seen my little boy do that shit too.

I’m going down 2 rabbit holes:

1. toughen up, suck it up, we all got problems, he’s just being dramatic, he’s just a kid wanting attention, etc.

2. what if he’s really depressed? what if he really is sad and doesn’t know what to do? what if he hurts himself one day?

Are they all incredibly morbid and terrifying thoughts? YES! Am I crying as I’m writing this blog? Also, YES.

This is not fun. I am scared. I don’t know if I’m being dramatic or if my son is really struggling with this. I do know that my son says things that I don’t think a 6 year old should be saying.

As I’m writing this, my energy is all over the place. I already know what people are thinking and feeling. And it goes both ways. One side, is to kind of ignore it, let it be, and hope it buffs out. The other side, is to get help but then that comes with it’s own stigma that I’m fearful of putting on him.

Everyone always thinks that they know what they would do in this situation. Everyone always thinks that they know what is going on with their kids.

But, do you? Are you listening? Truly listening?….. I wasn’t. And it’s breaking my fucking heart.

Honestly, though, have you heard their music? Have you heard the things that kids say to each other nowadays? Like the words “whore” and “faggot” are thrown around as if it’s the same as the word “Tuesday”. I couldn’t believe that when I was teaching and I lost my mind when I heard it.

Ask my student’s about Ms. V’s ass-chewings.

I know that every generation has its own version of this….”back in my day..” stuff. But honestly, we don’t really know what it’s like to grow up in this world. These kids are dealing with things on a different level. We don’t know what it’s like to be cyberbullied and harrassed all night long on their phones while we (adults/parents) are sleeping peacefully in our beds. And, they don’t know how to handle that shit. Their brains aren’t developed enough.

Fuck, most ADULTS can’t handle that shit.

I have seen the messages that those little shits send each other on snapchat and it would blow your damn mind. I don’t even know how I’m going to handle that the first time Theodore gets in trouble with that shit, but I’m assuming I’ll handle it very Naomi-like, so I’ll drag him out of his class by his ear, in front of everyone, and then I’ll come to school and sit by him every fucking day. I just imagine I’ll lose my mind.

But then, what if YOUR child is the one being harrassed? What would you do then? I imagine I’d lose my mind then, too! I don’t know. This is so fucking hard.

It’s just so hard and I want my mom. She would know what to do here.

But then, I think about all my struggles with depression and I always hid that from her. She had no idea. And she was a great mom. Not a perfect mom. But a GREAT one! (No one needs a perfect mom, by the way, so stop with that shit. They all need happy moms.)

So, it’s just a really helpless feeling. I feel very sad and lost over this. And, again, I get that I am overly sensitive to this. We’ve gone through a lot of adjustments recently and I am just overwhelmed and really miss my mom.

Thankfully, I have Theodore in therapy and he loves it. He asks to go see her and talk to her. Also, Theodore’s dad is very supportive of this, which is so amazing that it makes me emotional. However, his dad was married to me, so he got to see first hand the real life effects of depression and how badly it can ruin your life, if left untreated.

Dealing with all this has just made me look at things so differently. We don’t really know what someone is going through, including our children, and we shouldn’t judge others even when we think we do know.

I just imagine people judging me right now and I don’t know why I feel that energy so strongly right now but I do. And, trust me, I get it. I am nervous here. I don’t know what to do. But I do know that I needed help at one point. Actual help. And it’s looking like my perfect little boy might be on the same path. And that just fucking sucks. But, I have just decided that I am not going to ignore it. I am not going to tell him to suck it up. He doesn’t know how to to do that yet, and honestly, we shouldn’t be traumatizing our children as way for them to “learn a lesson”. Not all lessons need to be learned so hard.

Full disclosure, I am really struggling with feeling like this is my fault. He obviously got this from me, if he has it, and I know the struggles he’s going to face. And that just sucks. Because I can’t save him from this.

PS. I think it’s safe to say that EVERY parent feels that about their children; the idea of them having to go through hard times just makes you sick.

I know they need to struggle sometimes to learn and grow, but it’s hard to find the line.

Some people struggle SOOOOOOOOO much more than others, just because of depression, which is not their fault.

Before I got treated for my depression, I used to write notes to myself reminding myself to “be happy today”, or “only cry twice today”. I mean these notes were endless. I had them everywhere. Just constant reminders that I should feel happy, and it was so fucking hard to feel happy. So I just faked it. (And drank a lot.)

And the songs that I listened to during that time were very, very sad. Heart wrenchingly sad songs.

So, when Theodore played me that song, that was his “favorite”, my heart just broke. Because he knew the song. He knew the words. He was singing along perfectly, so he’s obviously heard this a time or two.

Do you know how shitty that felt? How on earth did I miss this? I have never heard that fucking song before in my life and now it’s his favorite? I just felt like the world’s worst mother. I know that’s extreme but seriously I just felt so inadequate.

But, it made me think about how much they are exposed to that we really don’t know enough about. And we are not ever going to stop the bullying situation completely because that shit starts at home. So, I’m trying to focus on just raising Theodore strong enough to withstand that stuff, along with the mental stuff. And yes I am scared that I’m fucking up. I’m terrified. But I’m hopeful that therapy is a good start, along with our nutritional changes. Also, I am having him start with some behavioral health things so I’m praying hard for that, too.

I am trying all the things I can think of. Plus, I have him enrolled in gymnastics, church school, and summer programs coming up. I think that being around other kids and being on teams is going to be great for his development, too.

I’m just scared. My brain is all over the place. I am leaning hard on Christ and I trust in Him, tremendously, but it’s still hard down here some days. It’s hard to watch your child struggle. It’s hard to know the right thing to do. And it’s really hard to not have my mom here.

One thing that I do know is that I do love my little boy and I will figure this out. I have figured out a lot of things along the way, so this will be no different. I know that my mom is guiding us and looking out for us, and I also know that I have the most supportive group of friends and community that a girl could ever ask for.

And who knows, maybe Theodore is just struggling with his dad being deployed and my mom passing, and he will grow past this. Maybe this is all normal and other moms out there are going through this shit, too. But, if they are, I don’t know about it. No one talks about it. So you feel incredibly alone. You think that you’re the only one who is scared for their child or worried that they are fucking something up. Logically, you tell yourself that’s not true, but we all know how that is. When it’s going on with YOU, you feel like you are the only one.

Hopefully this blogs reaches another mama out there who is worried and scared, and who also feels alone. - You are not alone, sister.

Also, I hope this blog reaches other mamas who have gone through something similar and are willing to help. I’m asking for it. I’ve never done any of this before so how in the hell should I know how to do it?!

I hate that part of parenting. Everyone just thinks we’re all supposed to know how to parent, when honestly, most of us are just kids trapped in adult bodies. I don’t think anyone knows how to parent, so why is there so much pressure from society to pretend that we do? I’ve never understood that.

I have no shame in saying I have needed help before and I need it now. Because my people will want to help me. And your people should, too. (that’s how you know if people are your people, by the way)

However, I’m grateful that I started really listening to Theodore’s music (and other tablet things). Had I not, I might’ve missed this. I might’ve missed this cry for help, if it is one. If it’s not; no harm, no foul. Literally. I’m not ever going to regret sending Theodore to therapy. And I fear that I would regret not sending him.

Granted, once I started listening, it got hard. It was hard to hear and face the possibility of mental health struggles in my son.

But I started listening anyways, and you should, too. Maybe we all will hear something.

Happy Trails,

Em