The One You Feed

Everything you do today is directly related to who you become tomorrow. Choices you make now will affect your story 6 months down the line. So, if you have goals and dreams, but you’re not doing anything about them now, then down the road they will still be just goals and dreams. For example, if your goal is to lose 50 lbs by this summer, like me, the food that you eat now is going to reflect on your body by the time lake weather arrives. It is truly, 100% on you. 

Now, I struggle all the time battling between who I used to be (the old me) and who I want to be (the new me). I want to be a person who is healthy and in better shape but the old me had terrible eating habits and never, and I mean NEVER, worked out. So sometimes those identities clash and often the old me wins. Then, the new me feels shame, regret, and defeat for the next several days. It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t recommend it.  

It’s just a hard thing to explain. It’s like the logical side of me is like “Get up!”, “Get off the couch!”, “Put the snack food down!” But the comfortable, emotional side of me is like “Nah, I’m good. I’m good right here.” *face palm* Logically, I know what I need to do but emotionally I don’t care. It’s just the most annoying game I play with myself, over and over.  

Then, I was reminded of my vision board full of my goals and dreams. I REALLY do want to be a healthier version of myself. Not just for me, but for my son too. I don’t want him to battle with his weight his entire life like I have and that is 100% on me. I am responsible for his eating and exercise habits. Now, when he was younger, it was okay to slack in this area because he was just little and didn’t understand. However, as a 5-year-old, he now completely understands everything and copies my every move.  

Tonight, for example, Theodore looks up from his tablet and says, “Hey mom, are you thinking what I’m thinking? That we should order pizza but then not tell anybody so it’s like we didn’t eat pizza.” 

My jaw dropped. I laughed out loud actually but then it just smacked me in the face. He said that because I have said that. I have made weird comments like well if nobody sees me eat this then maybe it doesn’t count. Often times, I was saying that to be funny, but now I see how maybe it wasn’t a joke after all. It’s now an example that I have set.  Sweet! Good job mom…I say to myself sarcastically.  

We all know that we are responsible for our children’s health and wellness. We know that. But sometimes through the day to day, that responsibility gets overlooked. At least it does for me. It’s sometimes easier to say, “Oh, I’ll do that tomorrow” but then tomorrow never comes.  

Well tomorrow has come. That comment from Mr. Theodore just jolted me awake. It’s time to stop feeding the bad habits and that vicious cycle and time to start putting in the work now to get onto a healthier path 6 months from now. As, I said earlier, what we do now affects who we become later.  

I don’t want to be a “fat” mom. When I say “fat” mom, I don’t exactly mean just the physical parts of it. I’m referring to the mental part of it. When I feel like a “fat” mom I mean I feel ugly, unorganized, not put together, filled with negative thoughts reinforcing my bad habits, like I just don’t give a shit about anything. That’s what I mean by that, and I don’t want to feel that way. I really don’t. I owe more to myself and to my son, even if it’s just for my mental health.  

So back to the drawing board of making better, healthier choices, meal prepping, googling new recipes, and following through. I have never said that this journey would be easy. We all know how hard it is but I’m challenging myself to follow through. To focus on the 6-month version of myself and who I want to be. To remind myself, every day if I have to, why I am doing this and why it matters. Because in 6 months, if I am still in the same spot I am now, then that will totally be my fault. And that will suck. So, I don’t want to do that. I can’t do that to myself. Not again. This time it needs to be different.  

I was searching for a cool quote or saying to use to go with this post and help explain what this struggle can be like and how to deal with it. I wanted something that can sum up what I’m trying to say about the struggles we have inside us and which path we should take. While I was searching, I looked up and saw the art piece on my wall that my sister gave me, and it contains one of my favorite stories of all time.  

It is called, “The Tale of Two Wolves” and it goes something like this… 

“An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorry, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” 

He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside ever other person, too.” 

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?” 

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.” 

So, I ask you, which wolf are you feeding? Which one do you want to win? What are you going to do now to make sure that happens?  

I know what wolf I was feeding and the one I’m feeding now. And I must say, the latter is so much better.  

Happy trails,  

Em