Loneliness or Freedom

Loneliness. A word I have feared ever since my divorce was finalized. I felt that fear of being alone for the rest of my life so strongly that I was almost desperate to feel loved by anyone, even if they were bad for me. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be loved and not be alone.

But the truth is, I was never alone. I just didn’t love myself. It wasn’t until my “Awakening”, as I call it, that I realized I had all the power and love I needed to stop feeling so lonely and to stop seeking love from all the wrong places. I needed to start looking within. 

To start this process, I had to take a good hard look in the mirror. I had to ask myself what I truly wanted and what could I do to start making that happen. It is no one else’s responsibility to make me happy or less lonely. As harsh as this statement is, we come into this world alone and we leave it alone, but now I am learning that doesn’t mean it’s lonely. What I mean by that is, is it is our responsibility to take charge of our own happiness and joy but also of our faults, flaw, and choices. 

I wasn’t always the best at making the right choices. In fact, you could argue, I was the best at making bad choices. Once you start going down that path of bad choices, bad things start happening to you. It’s just physics, or karma, whatever you believe. Either way, it’s the truth.

So, it wasn’t until I became sick and tired of being sick and tired that I started to make changes. Last summer, I quit drinking so much because it was no longer serving me and the life I wanted to lead. I quit blaming other people for my problems and started looking in the mirror for accountability. I quit playing the victim about certain situations and started owning my faults. I just quit thinking the wrong way about things, and like magic, my life turned around. 

It is not lost on me that once I made these drastic changes, my life, honestly, completely changed. Almost overnight. My business started flourishing. My health started to improve. My relationships with people got better. My mental health got stronger every day. Most importantly, my happiness was on a level I feel like I’ve never experienced before. 

Now, I have always been a happy and cheerful person. I don’t think anyone could argue that. But, I haven’t always respected myself. So, by making these changes was how I started to respect myself and that is how my life started to improve. I no longer tolerate any negative self-talk from myself or other people. I no longer make choices that hurt me and disrespect my soul. I started to make promises to myself, like getting healthier, and I keep those promises. Once you start doing that, things change, and they change fast. 

For example, with dating. I used to tolerate the most absolute forms of disrespect from men because I was so lonely, felt so bad about myself and in a weird, twisted way, I thought I deserved it. As I type that, it makes my heart sad. Sad for the bullshit I’ve allowed in my life. Sad for that girl who didn’t know her worth. Just sad. No one should feel like that, not even me.

So, during my “Awakening”, I decided to change that. I had to learn that the only person allowing all of this nonsense was me. I was constantly getting in my own way, and I had the power to stop it. What an incredible feeling. I HAD THE POWER. Power to change my ways, make better choices, and to just start loving myself, damn it. So that is what I did. 

Once I started truly loving myself again, I realized that I am not lonely. I’m not lonely at all. I have never been closer to my family. My friend’s group, even though it is small, is mighty. My business has become a major point of happiness and pride for me. I love getting to help people and meet such incredible people along the way. Life has done a 180 for me and I couldn’t be happier. 

The thing that sparked all of this, was a friend of mine sent me a meme that said, “90% of your problems are your fault. Until you’re ready to admit that you won’t be ready to change”. Well fuck. That couldn’t have been more spot on if a trained sniper shot at it. That was the catalyst to this new way of life. To that friend, I am forever grateful. 

When you finally get tough enough to admit your flaws and mistakes, and then own them, you learn that mentally you become empowered and un-fuck-with-able. Yes, I just made that up, but you all know what it means. The freedom that comes with this new mentality is unparalleled to anything else. And hot damn, it feels good.

Now, I have still encountered negative people on my new journey, but my approach to them is completely different. For example, I was out on the town one night with a friend of mine and I was approached by a heavily intoxicated man who asked me for my phone number. I told him no thank you and turned back to my friend. He asked again, clearly not picking up on my “get away from me” vibes. So, I had to politely tell him again, No. He asked a third time and by now, I was annoyed and over it. So, I told him to get out of my face, and I was not polite about it. His eloquent response was, “Fine, bitch! You’re not that hot anyways.” My friend looked at me and asked me if I was okay. Of course, I was okay, he was gone! She asked me if that hurt my feelings and my response to her surprised even me. No. My feelings weren’t hurt at all because first of all, I am hot. Second, you’re a drunk idiot who can’t take no for answer. And third, why on earth would I let my happiness be taken down by someone like that? I didn’t know that guy from Adam so I for damn sure wasn’t going to waste one fucking second on his insecure projections onto me. And I didn’t. My friend and I had a wonderful evening, and later on in the night, that guy was kicked out of the bar for being too drunk.

When I got home that night, I had an amazing moment of clarity. I finally felt it. I finally felt true love for myself, and I was proud of how I handled myself in that moment. The old me would’ve been so sad by that comment and went home early, or mostly likely, I would’ve punched him in the face. The new me has realized that some people are just not worth your time, comments, or energy. They’re just not. And when you accept that, your life changes. Not everything or everyone requires a response from you and once you realize that, you become dangerous. Because you are free and totally okay being alone. 

Thus bringing me back to my point about being lonely. I have now realized that I wasn’t lonely, I just didn’t love myself. Now that I do, I honestly love being by myself. That is when I get the most things done! I also find myself quite funny and yes, I do laugh at myself, a lot. I like myself. I like who I am becoming. And most importantly, I am proud of her. It took a lot of tears and hard work to get here, but now that I’m here, I wouldn’t change my journey for anything. 

So, to any of you feeling alone. You, too, have the power to decide if that is loneliness, or if it’s freedom. 

And the best part about that is YOU get to decide. 

Happy trails, 

Em