The Climb

These pictures were taken a little over a year apart...that's it...just one year.

Before I took control of my own life, I did not fully understand how much power I truly held. I really didn’t. I thought things just sort of happened to a person, and you had no control over how shitty things were. Seriously.

Like I kinda always felt like at the bottom of the mountain, and couldn’t climb up it, no matter what.

I never realized it before, but I think I used to live in more of a "victim" state of mind. Not always and not intentionally, but looking back from my point of view now, I think that’s fair to say. For example, I used to think things like: Why did this happen to ME? Why is MY life so hard? Why do I struggle so much with romantic relationships? Blah. Blah. Blah.

You've heard it before, and maybe you've been like me and actually said it. Maybe you know that “bottom of the mountain” feeling all too well.

Either way, it's a victim state of mind.

Another word for this is…EXCUSES.

Beep! Beep! Bitches! #accountabilitytime

After my mom died, something happened to me. I knew that I was either going to die with her or something needed to drastically change.

So I changed. I got to work on my issues. I started climbing my mountain. Therapy is what opened this door for me. And putting the work in from that is what got the ball rolling. Then, getting sober changed things drastically for me. Actually, this move probably saved my life.

(PS. Thank you Lt. Sanders for arresting me the night I decided to drink and drive! I didn’t know it at the time, but I had a problem that I was avoiding and you helped me see that! Thank you!)

(PPS. To my students reading this blog, sooner than I’d like to admit you may be in a situation where you’ll be faced with this decision..to drink and drive. I’m going to save you a lecture and some time because I know you are all so smart and understand the consequences of doing something so stupid. So, I will just tell you this; that night was one of the worst nights of my life. I did not feel cool. I did not have any friends with me, going through that with me, or bailing me out of jail. Jail, you guys. I was scared. I was bawling. And I was handcuffed in the back of a police car. It was humiliating, and expensive, and such a stupid decision on my part. I regret that I made that decision, but my DUI got me to quit drinking, so I don’t regret it entirely. Please learn from my mistake, and call someone who loves you (me included) if you ever need a ride. I would prefer you to just never drink, as it is poison and terrible for you and all that, but I understand that I’m not your mother and that you are all going to be young adults one day out there making your own choices in the world. But, please don’t drink and drive. There’s nothing cool about it. Like at all. Hard pass. Also, I love you all! - Ms. V)

Anyways…I digress.

After I stayed sober for awhile, and continued to do the work in therapy, I really started to like myself. Then, I really started to respect myself. I liked who I was becoming. I liked learning new things about myself, and unlearning somethings. I started choosing me, setting boundaries, and truly loving myself. And that is where the magic happens.

That self love.

It's fucking powerful. It's life-changing. And it is so worth finding. However, it requires work. To find self love, you have to earn it. You have to start doing things that you respect about yourself. Once you start finding these little moments of respect, that starts to build confidence like you can’t believe.

I very much started respecting myself when I finally was able to put down the bottle, for good. That was one of the hardest fights of my life (and even still rears its ugly head once in awhile) and yes, I am 1000000000% million percent fucking proud of myself for tackling that FUCKING GIANT!!!!!!! It is not easy, it won’t be easy, and it may never go away, but right now, man I’m winning. I’m punching that bitch in the face!

Once I started doing more things like that, like beating my giants, I became invincible. I started to trust myself and my gut. I started to really, really like myself. I started to want to learn more about myself because I never really realized how lost I was before. I started trying new things (like buying a boat and recording a song), freaking terrified the WHOLE TIME, but I was still doing it!

Because, for the first time ever, I trusted myself to do it. I knew I could do it (whatever “it” I was working on at the moment). I knew I could go to Nashville and record my song. So, I did. I knew I could figure out how to run a boat. And, I did. I knew I had to quit drinking. So, I did. I knew I needed to lose weight. So, I did.

These are all mountains in themselves, but thanks to ADHD, we like to deal with 50 mountains at a time, instead of one.

Over time, though, these stepping stones of change and self respect started to add up. And I started realizing that I have total control over my life.

My life didn’t just start magically getting better. I had to do an enormous amount of work. One step at a time, literally.

I’m not joking. There were days, in the beginning of true sobriety, where I parked in a liquor store parking lot and just cried. You wanna talk about low moments? That’s fucking one of them.

Wooooooooooooo, that’s not easy to admit. But, facing the music usually isn’t.

Facing yourself in the mirror (for the good AND the bad) is much harder than you think, especially if you’ve been living a life that you’re not very proud of.

At one point, my life was shitty because I was making shitty choices. I was drinking too much and my dating history was a direct result of that. Spoiler alert: it was hot garbage. I was spending too much money partying and literally not investing one single dime. I was living for the weekend. I couldn’t wait for Friday to come, and sometimes “Friday” came on Tuesdays.

I just had no plan. No direction. And I thought that was it. That was “life”. And it sucked. So, I drank to numb that suck. And then the drinking ALWAYS caused more problems. So, it sucked some more.

Ugh, Fuck. I’m looking back on so many things as I type this post and I just cringe. I was so lost, and every single thing in my life reflected that. Every time something hard came up, I just felt so fucking defeated, and exhausted, and just over it. I just had the worst mindset. I was pouting at the foot of the mountain, and throwing my sucker in the dirt.

Thank God for stepping stones and therapy.

Your mindset is all you need to turn your life around, and no I’m not shitting you. If all you do is complain and focus on the negatives, then that is all you will see. If you start viewing everything in life as the blessing that it is, your energy changes and your life starts changing with it.

For example, now when something challenging comes up, I get excited because I know it’s time to level up! When life starts to get really hard or uncomfortable, God is preparing you for something, and you are about to either fail again, or level the fuck up.

I had the coolest talk with my Uncle Phil the other day about this. He is such an accomplished horseman and businessman, but my favorite part about him is his ability to get me fired up about things and get ready to grab the day by the horns!!! I have asked him many times why he’s not a public speaker because he has the gift (and the wisdom) to do the job proud! Anyways, he mentioned how challenges are blessings, no matter what, because you will always either learn, or level up.

And by golly, if that ain’t the truth.

Well, eventually, I got sick and tired of being sick and tired, so I decided to start leveling up, in every area in my life. One step at at a time.

AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK.

Of course, I could tell you all day long what I eat and do and all that, but the truth is, I just started loving myself. I started respecting myself, and to me that meant getting healthy. I started it for my son, but now I’m doing it for me, and he is watching that. (They are always watching.) Getting healthy, to me, also meant losing weight. I weighed over 300 pounds, you guys, and I know there’s a bunch of stuff out there about how plus size is healthy, but to me, it wasn’t. I was not healthy.

I could not walk up a flight of stairs without being winded. I couldn’t bend over and tie my fucking shoes. When I got sick, being so heavy made my joint pain a million times worse, and that was hard to admit. Am I embarrassed about that now? Yes. Am I also extending myself grace for that time in my life? Also yes. I was in a bad Hell at that period of time and I almost didn’t make it out. Besides, I didn’t know any better (or maybe didn’t want to know any better) at that time in my life. So, grace is needed.

However, I know better now, so I am doing better. I owe that to myself.

I am scared, though. I am always scared, you guys. I’m scared of a lot things. But, I’m climbed this far…

And I realized, as I was climbing my way out of my own Hell I mostly created, that you don’t just get brave and then start climbing. You start fucking climbing, and you just happen to find bravery along the way.

But, brave or not, you must keep climbing. Because the bottom of the mountain sucks and you deserve to see the views from up here!

It’s breathtaking and so worth the climb.

Happy Trails,

Em