Pink Candy Canes
The other day, Theodore and I were grocery shopping and we stumbled across the candy isle. Theodore’s favorite!! While he was browsing through the items he found some candy canes that he said he just HAD TO HAVE! He picked a box of bright pink candy canes and threw them in the cart. I asked why he grabbed the pink ones and he said because pink always makes me so happy.
Quite the observation for a 5 year old boy…however, if you didn’t know that I’m a fan of the color pink, you’ve been living under a rock. I do absolutely love pink and it brings me immense joy!
We finished up our shopping and heading home to eat. After dinner, we each had a pink candy cane and watched Elf. What a simple and beautiful moment.
A few days went by, and my health started acting up again. One day, I woke up and couldn’t walk. My legs were like spaghetti noodles and when I went to get out of bed I just collapsed to the floor.
While I was laying on the floor, I called my sister. This time, I wasn’t even crying or anything. My health has been one shit show after another, so at this point I was just like, whelp, I guess we’re dealing with this now.
Anyways, my balance has been off for sometime now and I fall quite frequently so I’ve been used to that, but this episode was something new. I’ve never not been able to walk before. And that was terrifying.
I had to go to the ER here in Dickinson and while I was there I was having issues with being able to feel my left side. They were doing different types of tests on me to determine my strength on each side, like raising and lowering each leg, etc. My left side was getting weaker by the minute and they had no clue why.
So, I was sent to Neuro in Bismarck.
I got checked in there and they began running all their tests. At one point, while I was there, I was so weak I needed a wheelchair.
We ran multiple tests; MRIs, EKGs, hearing tests, bloodraws, etc. The team working on me was amazing and went above and beyond.
After some meds, and trial and error, I started to feel better. I was released a few days later and headed home to rest.
Some of the tests revealed I have permanent hearing loss in my right ear and it’s almost completely deaf. Due to this, I have balance issues. It’s almost like my equilibrium isn’t there anymore or something.
I know it sounds crazy, but it’s like that moment when you are about to fall, but you catch yourself? I don’t have that anymore. I don’t have that reflex to catch yourself before you fall, so I would just fall. Constantly.
In fact, when I was in Bismarck, I had so many bruises on my body they thought someone was hurting me at home.
I told them that I live alone (besides my child) so if someone was bruising me in the middle of the night and I didn’t know about it, we’ve got bigger problems going on than I thought.
He did not think I was funny at all, and stone-cold-seriously asked me the same exact question again. This time, to which, I replied promptly with a very firm “No”.
I think Grey’s Anatomy has ruined me for thinking that experiences at hospitals are somehow going to me magical and dreamy and the doctors come in all handsome and life-saving….
Then you are slapped in the face with reality and a real doctor who has questionable bedside manner and a non-existent sense of humor.
Good thing I crack myself up!!
With the meds and new protocol I am following with my neuro team, I am getting better and stronger every day. I still have some deficits however.
My balance is a constant issue, so because of that, now I sometimes walk with a cane.
…………………………..
Now, I’m sure some of you have a feeling in your heart very similar to look on people’s faces when they see me walking with a cane. But my existence on this planet is for shit like this. I know it to my bones. To make uncomfortable things comfortable. To make awkward things not awkward. To talk about depression so much that it’s common. To show that I may need a cane now, but that hasn’t stopped one fucking thing in my life.
Besides…..THEY MAKE PINK CANES!!!!!
When I saw that cane, I cried, and then smiled. I instantly thought of pink candy canes and Theodore, and then my mama. I bought it immediately.
Relearning how to balance and not fall through physical therapy has been extremely challenging. My hearing loss is extremely frustrating. The cane sometimes gets the best of me. There are many, many things that I could sit here and bitch about. We all could.
But then I think back to my trip to New York and those 9/11 survivors that I spoke to and what they survived was unreal. One lady lost her sight because the heat inside the buildings was too intense. I discuss my entire experience during the 9/11 Memorial in my book, “Finding Perspective”, that I am releasing on December 31, 2022.
That whole trip changed my life and has forced me to always try to find perspective.
Sure, we could all bitch about all of our problems, but I’ve truly learned that that gets us nowhere. It doesn’t solve anything. Plus, if you’re anything like me, the only thing that all that negative stuff does is make my depression spiral out of control. So, I don’t go down those roads anymore.
Instead, I am just so grateful to be alive! I am walking and I’m getting stronger everyday! I do have some limitations on my body and I have horrible memory loss. So, if I ever forget to reach out to you or can’t remember something we just talked about, please know that it really is an issue and I’m not just being an asshole. Like, I forget my own nieces and nephews names, okay? hehe. It’s an actual issue, but hey, it’s getting better!
Also, they make canes with rhinestones (which is the adult version of candy for me) so I’m all set! If I have to rock a cane, I’m still going to look great doing it!
So, if you see me out and about with my cane, don’t feel sad. Think of pink candy canes and let your heart be filled with joy.
Happy Trails,
Em
