Check on your Men

Mental Health.

Here we go again.

My battle with mental health is one of the hardest, most frustrating, and scariest things I’ve ever had to deal with my life. Depression is no joke and it is so much more than just “feeling sad”. It can completely cripple you, and cost you many things in your life.

Now that I’ve made my mental health a top priority in my life, I’ve had to come up with new ways to manage it, besides drinking. So, I have started going on walks or riding bike with Theodore. There is a fabulous new park right by our house and we go there almost every day. Every now and then we ride to a different park and check that out, too. The location changes, but the workout still does the job of assisting my mental health.

Awhile back, we rode to a park and while Theo was playing with new friends on the playground, I sat down next to a stranger and struck up a conversation.

I’m super annoying like that. I get really uncomfortable if I don’t know someone so I just force it. I’m the same damn way on a plane….super annoying. I get. I have accepted this. You need to, as well.

So, I sit down right next to this person on the bench and we ended up talking for quite awhile!!!

We had really cool conversations around mental health and a very interesting point was brought up around men and mental health. About how men are judged much more harshly for their mental health yet also ridiculed if they seek help for it.

Since I am obsessed with this topic in general, I was completely enthralled with our conversation and dove right in.

I walked away from that conversation full of so many thoughts and and even more rabbit holes…

For some reason, there is a terrible stigma around men and how they shouldn’t need or shouldn’t go to therapy. I have never understood this. I really haven’t.

Men have the same problems women do, to some degree. Why on Earth would they not ever need someone to talk to??

Did you know that men are almost 4 times more likely to commit suicide than women?

Yep.

But, we don’t like to talk about that.

Because it’s weak. Or they are being a “pussy”. Or whatever other nonsense bullshit people can come up with. I have never understood this mentality, and I never will.

Don’t get me wrong, I could just as easily write up a blog about how men are complete dumbasses and fill you all full of my hilarious dating experiences that prove my previous claim. But those are usually meant for fun and games, and every now and then, to relieve a little pent up frustration that men typically tend to build up.

However, this blog is much more serious, and to even my surprise, it is meant to defend men, for the most part.

I’ve mentioned before in previous blogs that I have lost several friends to suicide. Most of them have been men.

I started to think about that a lot more after I read that statistic about men being 4X more likely to kill themselves than women. I started to wonder why that is and what can be done about it.

Well, in my opinion, I think that is because we have a culture of “men don’t cry” and that is truly expected of them. It really is. We even tell little boys that they can’t cry…”toughen up!” we say.

But, with little girls, we run to their rescue and coddle their every mood.

As a culture, we really do do that. I’ve seen it. Over and over.

And now, we have generations of men with feelings that have no clue what to do with them.

This may sound funny or ridiculous, but it’s not. Imagine if every time you had a feeling or wanted to cry, you were told to suck it up, toughen up, shut up, or some other masculine bullshit. Imagine EVERY time you were shut down when you needed to feel something to get it out. But you CAN’T. Instead, you are shamed, teased, ridiculed, etc. if you do that.

So, they internalize their feelings. Forever.

Imagine how that must feel? To feel bad for wanting to cry? To be judged for letting that out?

That is so effing sad to me. But, it makes perfect sense as to why their suicide rate is so high.

Men do have feelings. Why wouldn’t they? And why have we been taught that they shouldn’t!? That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard of in my life.

I love when a man can cry. I love when a man can fully communicate his emotions. Because, you know what? Most men can’t. Truly. They can’t because they don’t know how.

Now, I’m not defending dumbass behavior. Don’t be an asshole.

I’m simply saying that I feel bad for a lot of the men out there that are struggling (according to those statistics) but don’t feel like they can go get help so they don’t. And they continue on every day, slowly diminishing, until it’s too late. The darkness takes over, and they see no way out.

When this happens, we are all left behind asking ourselves why. Why did this happen? Why did they do this? How did I miss this? I didn’t see any signs!

Well, a lot of the time we won’t see signs because society has taught men to “fake it til you make it” or “rub some dirt on it”. Granted, sometimes those are great pieces of advice; for when you are nervous to speak on stage or when your child scrapes his knee. I don’t think those pieces of advice work so well anymore, though, for grown men with grown men problems who feel like they have no way out and want to end their lives.

I started to ask myself, do I really know how my male friends are doing? Do I really know if any of them are secretly struggling?

When I started asking myself that, I had to face the harsh truth that I don’t. I don’t know how they are doing, deep down. Not really.

Looking back on most of our conversations they say they are always “good” and “same old, same old”. And I take that at face value, assuming that my buddies would just reach out to me if needed.

But, what if, they didn’t. What if they needed me now and I just missed it because I never looked any deeper beyond the “I’m fine’s” and “same old, same old’s”?

That conversation with that stranger in the park ultimately forced a new perspective for me, and a new purpose in my friendships. I am going to be more intentional with my friendships and try to look a little deeper into them, especially my male friendships.

Sometimes I think our men have a lot more worries, fear, and sadness than they let on. And why would they? It hasn’t been accepted.

That needs to change. And that change starts at home.

Check on your men. All of the important men in your life, just check on them. Make sure they know that you are there for them if they need it. Most of them will say they are fine and blah, blah. But tell them anyway. Plant the seed.

That seed may show up later on, when it’s truly needed. Plant that seed. Let them know that they have a place to go if they need to.

I know, I know. Many people will roll their eyes as they read this blog. I get it. However, I also know that many of you are going to walk away from this blog and start asking yourself a lot of these same questions I’ve been asking myself; do I REALLY know how the important men in my life are doing? Truly?

And because of that, I am doing what I believe is my mission here, which is to change the narrative around mental health.

So, start planting the seed. No man deserves to feel like he can’t cry or be sad. Life is hard, especially right now. And everyone gets sad and experiences hard times. We, for some reason, just think that men should handle it better, and without emotions. It’s unrealistic and unfair.

Check on your men. Plant the seed. It could honestly end up saving someone’s life.

Happy Trails,

Em