It’s OK not to be OK

This blog is about something that I am very passionate about, mental health. I understand this is a touchy subject, but my goal is to help change that viewpoint. We should not feel ashamed to talk about mental health.

Shortly after my mom died, a friend of mine committed suicide. When I got that call, I can’t even begin to explain to you what went through my head; sadness, guilt, fear, gut punch, anger, feeling lost. So many feelings were coursing through me. I felt sadness over losing my good friend, guilt over not doing something to help him, angry at him for not getting help, and so much more. That news just completely rattled me. 

I knew my friend struggled with mental health as we had talked about that at least a million times. I would always encourage him to just go see a doctor and get on some antidepressants. I even offered to go with him to his appointments. He refused every time. He said that he’s not a “pussy” and was scared of what people would think if they found out he was on meds. He kept saying over and over, “I’m not crazy!”

He was not crazy. He was depressed. And now he’s dead. 

It’s things like that that drive me insane. When people have the idea that you must be “crazy” to need antidepressants and that you’re a “pussy” for taking them. Actually no. Depression is a very real thing, and it affects people all over and in many different ways. I honestly think that antidepressants should just be put in the fucking water. It would solve a lot of problems. 

I hope to be a major advocate for mental health someday. I would love to speak to a room full of people about it. I believe in it so strongly and I think it is something that is vastly misunderstood. 

I have been on antidepressants for a very long time. I also take anxiety meds. I need them to function. A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I have horrible anxiety. Before I was on meds for it, there were days when I couldn’t leave my house for fear of something bad happening. Someone sending me a simple text saying, “Hey, can you talk?” or “We need to talk,” would straight up send me into a panic attack. To some people this may sound dramatic, but the people who have anxiety know exactly what I’m saying. It truly is something that can absolutely consume you. Thank God for meds!

The best way I can describe how antidepressants or anxiety drugs work is they basically just lengthen your fuse. So, things that would normally send me into a fit of rage now I handle with regular emotion. Now, I can logically process whatever situation I’m in, instead of going from 1 to 100 and thinking only worst-case scenarios. It just helps me function. It helps me think clearer. It helps me handle my emotions better. It doesn’t change you. It doesn’t change who you are as a person. It just helps your brain. 

The way I see it, if you broke your arm, you would go to the hospital. No one would judge your for having a cast on your arm. They would just know that you broke your arm, went to the doctor, and now you’re healing. Well, to me, the brain is the same exact damn thing. When your brain is broke, like with depression, you need to go see a doctor and start healing. If people viewed depression as simple as that, I don’t think we’d have nearly as many suicides as we do, and I think that so many people would be so much happier. 

The trick with depression, though, is you have to be the one to do something about it. Yes, I am going back to accountability again but only because it is so damn important. You are in control of you controlling your depression or having your depression control you. 

Recently, I had another friend reach out to me talking about some mental struggles he was having. I suggested that he’s depressed. He argued with me saying that it can’t be depression because he’s not crying all the time, he just has no motivation to do anything and feels like he doesn’t care about anything. I kind of laughed when I told him, again, that this is definitely depression. He still disagreed and I’m not sure how he will end up handling it. I hope he goes and gets help though, which I told him again before we hung up. 

There is no shame is seeking help for this, but I can’t make you do it. Your parents can’t make you do it. Your friends can’t. No one can. Just you. If you are at the point where you are struggling more than usual, go see someone. You don’t even have to tell anyone about it. No one has to know if you don’t want them to. No one knew about my meds until I started being so open about it. I once had someone tell me I didn’t need those meds because I’m always so happy. Yes, my personality is very happy but mentally I struggle with depression. You can be a happy, cheery person and still need antidepressants. They are not mutually exclusive. 

People are really quick to say things to get you off meds or to prevent you from getting on them. And that has always seemed weird to me. For example, sometimes people say things like “toughen up” when it comes to depression. What people don’t understand, though, is it isn’t something that you can “toughen up” with on your own. Like, if you shattered your femur and needed a surgery to fix that, no one would look at you and say, “Oh just toughen up. Let your broken leg heal by itself. Don’t get help for that. Just toughen up.” Right? People would be racing you to the hospital to help fix you. And that is how we need to view mental illness. If something is broken, it needs to be fixed. 

My whole goal with this blog is to just create an open space to talk about a topic that has a relatively negative connotation. I feel like the more we talk about something, the more we see how normal it is, and then that provides a path to a different viewpoint. Maybe to a point of view where more people understand depression or at least lessen the stigma that surrounds it. 

Every day should not be a struggle. Every day should not be hard. If you feel that, maybe it’s time to go talk to someone. If you feel like you can’t talk to anyone in your life about it, please talk to me. I love this topic. I love helping people with it. And I love sharing my struggles with it. Sometimes just having someone to talk to about it can help so much. 

Remember, just because you can’t see depression, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Be kind to people. Be kind to yourself and if you need help, that’s ok. Go and get it!

Happy trails,

Em