Find the Joy

Grief is an interesting beast. One minute you feel totally fine and then the next minute you crumble to your knees with a sadness that you can’t express in words. It is ever-changing and rears its ugly head when you least expect it. 

I have processed the grief of losing my mom through work. I am completely consumed with my business and I have just dived into it fully to keep myself so unbelievably busy that I don’t have time to be sad. Now, I’m sure the argument could be made that maybe that is not healthy but for me it is. The old version of me would’ve dove into drinking and partying too much to numb the pain and we all know that that never works out for the better. So, I am ok with this version of working too much. I still go to my therapist weekly and I cry whenever I need to. For me, this is what’s working. 

One thing I have noticed though, is that I have not made as much time for friends, fun, laughter, and joy as I should be. That is something my mom was so amazing at. She always made time for people and always knew how to make everything fun. Even something as simple as a picnic at the ranch. She would pack little snacks for all the grandkids, pack an adorable tablecloth to lay down, and often times would dress the kids up in funny outfits. One time she even drew a fake treasure map that the kids had to follow in order to find their lunch. Theodore still talks about that day. My mom truly knew how to make every normal moment a very special moment. And that is something that I have been slacking on. 

I know that we all have our ways of dealing with things and I am proud of myself for not going backwards and into old habits to deal with this. I am proud that I have just focused so much on my business because that is important too. But, this past weekend, I was reminded of the importance of taking time for people and finding the joy in all that surrounds you. 

This past weekend, I was invited to Deadwood for a birthday party for one of my closest friends. A whole group of women went, some of whom I’ve never met before. I am not shy at all and I love meeting new people so I was excited to meet everyone and have a fun weekend! 

When we pulled into town, my heart felt instantly heavy. I was reminded of how many times I have been down there with my mom. In my mind, I saw her everywhere; at the Saloon Number 10 Bar, which was her favorite bar, or at the Oyster Bar, which she also loved. I passed several boutiques that she loved and that we shopped at together and it just stung my heart. I could feel her there and it was unbearable. I just wanted to crawl into a ball on the floor and cry. But, I couldn’t. It was not the time for me to do that, so I had to suck it up and put it in the back of my mind because this was going to be a fun weekend! And it was. 

The women I was with on this trip were so cool. They were all strong, confident, incredibly beautiful, and independent women. None of them knew about the grief I was struggling with, except for my close friend, but even still, they just made it so damn fun. 

The cabin we stayed at was filled extreme laughter, an obnoxious amount of food, and a boat load of alcohol that was barely even drank. It was just a genuine moment of girlfriends laughing, sharing their lives, and building each other up. I had a moment where I sat by myself and just smiled. I had found the joy. I was reminded of how important friendships are and how important seeing beauty through pain is. Now, instead of just having sad memories of my mom in Deadwood, I have replaced that with this wonderful weekend of new friends, new stories, and new memories. 

I am so grateful for that trip with those girls. It helped remind me of the important things in life, like friendships and finding the joy. That is my new challenge for myself. I want to make more time for things that bring me joy and live more like my mom did. 

I have always been a happy, positive person who sees joy in all things, but I also have severe tunnel vision when I am focused on something. Like with my business, I work 7 days a week if I can and I take my rest days as needed with my Lupus. I just get laser focused on it and it consumes me. Even though, it is a good thing to be consumed with, I have realized that it has also made me neglect the little things in life. I was focusing so hard on work to help me deal with my grief that I realized I wasn’t paying as much attention to Theodore, my friends, and other things. That was obviously never my intention, but that is how it has played out. 

So now, I am choosing to find the joy. I am playing with Theodore every time he asks me to. I am going on weekend trips with friends when they invite me. I am laughing at memories of my mom and rejoicing in the moments that I find myself acting just like her. I am praising myself for the things in life that I have overcome, and I am focusing on the things that still need improvement. I am taking time to appreciate the small things and not just brushing it off because “I have to work”. I love my job more than anything, but I need to remember that it is not everything. The special moments you share with people and the memories you make and the children we raise are what matters. 

At the end of my life, I don’t want people to talk about how hard I worked. I want people to talk about how much I enjoyed life, how hard and loud I laughed, how much I helped people, and how much I loved. I want people to smile when they tell stories about me and I want to be remembered as someone who celebrated everything in life, just like my mom. 

So, I encourage all of you to make a point to find the joy. Find the joy in your family, your surroundings, your everyday life. Take the extra time to play with your kids. Take the weekend vacations. Make the phone calls to people who matter. Look for the joy, because it is there. Sometimes we just forget to see it. 

Happy trails, 

Em