I Love You Fat
My first post - “I love you fat” - December 30, 2021
Body image. This is something that I have struggled with for my entire life. I know that statement would shock a lot of people because I consider myself to be one of the most confident people ever. I am very confident. However, I haven’t always loved myself and I haven’t always loved my body. It’s been a very weird internal tug-of-war that I have struggled with for most of my adult life. How can I be so confident but still feel so fat or so ugly or so unwanted? That still doesn’t make complete sense to me but here we are.
When I look in the mirror, I do see a beautiful woman and when I get dressed up to go out for a night on the town, I truly think I am one of the most beautiful women in the room. I was raised like that, and I have always thought like that. The way I see it, why not? Even if nobody else sees me that way, who cares?! At least I feel good, right?!
There are times, though, that I look in the mirror and feel so unbelievably ugly. I hate my fat rolls. I hate my stretch marks. I hate my saggy skin. I hate my lupus rash across my once perfectly porcelain face. I beat myself up over and over about unattractive I am, which completely contradicts my overly confident ego.
One day at work, I was confiding in my dear friend, Desirae, about how fat I felt. I was so unhappy with the weight that I’ve gained after my mom’s recent passing. I have totally been emotionally eating, and even though I absolutely have an excuse to do that right now, it still doesn’t really make me feel any better. It actually feeds my insecurities and fuels the self-hate train. I was explaining to Des that I just feel so ugly right now and that is conflicting for me because I know that I am not ugly. I know that. But I’m feeling it now and it sucks. I told her I just hate feeling so damn fat. Right then, I was quickly reminded that little ears were listening. My precious little boy, Theodore, overheard our conversation. He came running over to me and gave me a giant bear hug and said, “But Mommy, I love you fat!” Desirae and I both looked at each other in complete shock. We both were completely caught off guard by that and got equally emotional about it. It was one of the most precious moments in my life.
It took that little boy’s love for his mama, to remind myself that I needed to love me too. When my son looks at me, he doesn’t see a fat mom. He sees his mom. His world. His best friend. His boo-boo kisser, storyteller, night-time snuggler, safe place, and so much more. I am his mother, and he loves me fiercely.
That is when I woke up and decided I was going to love me fiercely too. I knew that I needed to do some work on myself to get out of this funk, but it took that little moment to make me realize it. I hired a personal trainer that day and I start after the New Year. I started researching healthier foods to eat and wrote a shopping list. I started to make changes literally in that moment.
Changing your habits is not an easy feat but it’s going to happen. I am the most stubborn person I know and when I decide to do something, whether it's good or bad, I do it at 100%. So, I decided I was going to make these changes for the New Year and get a better self-image.
You see, the thing that struck me so hard was how honest and pure Theodore’s little comment was. It’s the truth. You can still love yourself, even if you’re fat. Our children love us no matter what. They don’t need skinny mommies. They need happy mommies. So, I need to start doing things that make me happy again and getting my weight and health back on track is something that makes me happy.
As I am writing this, it is the night before New Year’s Eve. So, I don’t have any progress reports for you yet, but I will.
The point of all this is that to any of you out there struggling with these feelings or anything similar, it is ok. God gives us all different struggles, but he also gives us tools to navigate through them. A tool he gave me was my stubbornness and willingness to never quit. I’m viewing this blog post almost like a contract. I have now put it on paper for the world to see that I’m changing my ways with my health and mark my words I am not going to let myself down. After all, I have little eyes watching me.
So, for now, if you are feeling unhappy, what can YOU do to make a change? What tools has God given YOU that will help you make those changes? Even if it something small, do it. Do whatever it takes. Life is too short to be unhappy. Besides, if you have the power to change your unhappiness, why wouldn’t you? That was the question I had to ask myself and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I must eat healthier and work out, and I am able to do that. So why haven’t I been?! Well, for now, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am doing something about it now.
As you follow this blog journey with me, I will post a whole lot more about this weight loss stuff, struggles I've had, good times, bad times, and so much more. If anything, I hope I can be an example or inspiration to you, or at least make you laugh along the way.
But for now, since I am not where I want to be yet, I am choosing to “love myself fat”.
As my mama always said,
Happy Trails, and I'll see you in the New Year!
Em
