A Little Too Thick

As you know, one of the main topics I talk about is my weight and the struggles that come with it. 

Recently, I have gained more weight than I want to admit. I have been slacking with my trainer and meal planning and totally eating my emotions. My Grandpa’s funeral just got that binge-eating fest rolling and it went south from there. 

I beat myself up over and over again. “Really? We are here again? Can’t fit into our pants? Can only wear leggings. Jesus Christ.”

Just total defeat. And again, saying mean things to myself repeatedly and further fueling this cycle. I truly wonder if I am the only person who struggles with this stuff or something like it. I don’t hear people talk about this stuff as much because it is very private and can be embarrassing. But I’m writing about it now because I’d like to know if any of you struggle with weight loss, overeating, restricting, or whatever else. I truly would like to hear from other people. Is dieting this hard for everyone?

I truly struggle with it. Like one month I am rock solid. Consistent every day. Healthy meals only. Like strict as fuck. And then, of course, I have a “bad day” or “fall off the wagon” and completely overindulge, resulting in feelings of regret, failure, and disappointment in myself. It’s truly awful. 

The worst part for me is how mean I am to myself. Man, I still don’t know why I allow myself to talk to myself the way that I do when I’m in a low moment. 

However, I have always, ALWAYS made it a point to talk positively around my son. I have NEVER called myself fat in front of him. And I’ve never talked down to myself in front of him. When I put on an outfit that I don’t like, I will usually say something along the lines of “Huh, this outfit isn’t really going with my mood today!” And I’ll go pick out something else. Even though on the inside, I am thinking the real reasons why I hate this outfit that usually includes more self-directed insults. 

I have always been told that children are always watching you. So pay attention to what you are saying and doing. Pay attention to what you are passing on, because they are watching, literally everything. And I have obviously paid attention to that with my child. BUT. Sometimes God gifts you with a moment where you get to watch your wisdom being passed on in real time. 

Theodore was in the backyard having a sprinkler party with our neighbor’s little girl. Her and Theo are the same age and have become the best of buds. They began having a squirt gun fight and eventually were both soaked from head to toe. Theodore got cold so he ran upstairs to put on some dry clothes. 

While he was still soaking wet, Theodore was trying with all his might to pull on these shorts. He was grunting and huffing and just struggling to get those suckers on. 

Finally, he just stops. Kicks the shorts completely off and says, “Huh. I guess I’m a little too thick for these now!” 

You guys. My whole life has changed. 

I got to witness the effect of my efforts put toward body positivity in that moment. Theodore didn’t doubt himself or think less of himself for one minute. He just proudly announced his thickness, grabbed another pair of shorts, and went about his business. 

He didn’t beat himself up the rest of the day. He didn’t cuss himself out for being too fat. He didn’t even think twice about those too-small shorts. It was just like an absolute non-issue. And it blew my damn mind. Children are often times such a wonderful reminder of the true meaning of life.

If there ever was a time to take my own damn advice, it is now. 

Theodore. My precious Theodore. Just out here living his best life, showing his mama how its done. I have so much to learn from that little boy. 

After that sweet moment with my Theodore, it woke something in my soul. I immediately went and put on my swimsuit, jellyrolls and all, and headed outside to join the water fight. It was one of the best days of my life. 

When we were outside playing, those kids weren’t concerned about my stretch marks or extra fluff, they were just concerned about their next target and who’s water gun was better. Their belly laughs echoed throughout the neighborhood, and I could feel my mom there. It was such a good-for-the-soul kind of day. 

I went to bed that night feeling proud of myself. I felt proud that I put my insecurities away and truly just lived in the moment. I wasn’t worried about all my weight loss failures that I torture myself with or about how I looked in my swimsuit. I didn’t think about that one time actually. Because children don’t care about it. Only adults do. 

Since that day, I have been in a bathing suit almost every day when I’m out on the lake. I just threw all my insecurities about it out the fucking window. My son’s “little too thick” comment just lit a fire in my veins. 

Who gives a shit? Yes. I struggle with my weight, and I probably will for the rest of my life. But, I am making better choices about it and working with professionals to help me with it. It is a constant work in progress. And that is okay. 

However, in the meantime, who gives a shit? Does it really matter how I look in a bathing suit? No. It doesn’t. My son isn’t going to remember what my swimsuit looked like. He’s going to remember summers on the lake with his mama. He’s going to remember that his mom lived her life out loud and how much fun we had! He will hear his college buddies tell stories about how their moms never went swimming or wore bathing suits (because that what society has done to women), and Theodore will think that's crazy because his mom ALWAYS went swimming in her bathing suit (no matter how insecure I secretly felt)! 

Theodore reminded me of something so powerful that day when he made his comment. Yes, we are both a little too thick in the thighs. But do you know what else we are thick in? We are thick in love, faith, family, laughter, friends, and everything else good that matters. We are thick where it matters. 

So, if you see me this summer out on the lake rocking a bikini, mind ya business. I am trying to be a little kinder to myself and I’m working on living my best life, a little too thick and all. 

Happy trails, 

Em