The One Where We Can Do Better

By now I’m sure you’ve heard that Matthew Perry has passed away.

Due to this news, as a weird way to tribute, I started rewatching Friends from start to finish. And seeing Chandler on screen hits different, once Perry’s passing sinks in. It’s just so bittersweet watching: laughing so very hard at Chandler, while knowing all the struggles that Matthew was hiding behind closed doors.

We all know Matthew Perry for his role as Miss Chanandler Bong, or Chandler Bing, on Friends. And that will thankfully live on for years and generations to come. I know his jokes and charm will make me laugh forever.

While Matthew always credited his fame to Friends, that’s now how he wanted to be remembered.

During an interview, Matthew stated, “When I die, I don’t want Friends to be the first thing that’s mentioned. I want helping people to be the first thing that’s mentioned, and I’m gonna live the rest of my life proving that.”

What’s so cool about that interview from awhile back is that he lived up to that statement. He talked to a lot of people about his struggles with addiction and was involved with organizations that helped people who struggled with the same things, and even worse things.

To me, what’s so incredible about Matthew Perry is that he used his platform to shed light on the realities of depression, addiction, and suicide, all while he was battling it at the same time!

I mean, can you imagine that amount of pressure? To on that big of a stage, struggling with staying clean while constantly reliving your nightmare over and over to the world?

It just breaks my heart for him, but yet, at the same time, it makes me have so much respect and admiration for him.

He was using his battle to help train other soldiers who were fighting or may be about to fight the same battle. And that is truly, what I believe, what God wants us to use with our gifts, and yes, even our struggles, for. To help others.

I think that Matthew strived to create spaces around these taboo topics and that is honestly what needs to be done if we want to start making a shift in these taboo topic statistics.

In order to create these spaces, we need education on how to handle the information that is provided during these conversations had in said spaces.

Let me give you an example:

Typically, what happens when someone says something along the lines of “I’m such a loser” or “No one likes me and I don’t have any friends” or “No one would miss me if I was gone”, the normal response that people say is, “Oh my God! No you’re not!”, “Yes they do, you have lots of friends!”, and “Oh stop, now you’re just being dramatic.”

Does that sound familiar? Or something close to it?

Ok. So….here me out.

We need to educate people on how NOT to respond like that when people are sharing how they are feeling.

Yes, while those statements being said may not “logically” be true, they are, in fact, very REAL to the person saying them. So, by you disagreeing with their feelings, you are discrediting them. And yes, what you are SAYING may be TRUE. Like, yes they may have friends and they may not be a loser. But, that does not change the fact that the person is FEELING that way, in their own mind. So, saying that they are not feeling the way that they are feeling IS NOT HELPING.

This is why I bring this topic up. Because we need to talk about it. Especially with our kids. We may think that we are helping, when in fact, we are not.

Education is needed to help teach people (all of us) HOW to listen to these types of statements and provide spaces that allows a person to get it all out. And while this feels a helluva a lot like therapy, it’s not that in depth. I’m talking every day, normal stuff.

Everyday, normal stuff is where depression starts. It’s the “I’m fines” and the “Great. You?” on repeat, that goes unnoticed, until it’s too late. This is the stuff I’m talking about.

We need to allow room for people to be able to express their real emotions without people judging it, shaming it, trying to fix it, or whatever else. They just need to a space to say it. Say all the bad things you’re not supposed to say (and think, and feel, etc.). And how we start allowing room for this, is by simply asking if the person venting wants solutions or silence from you and go from there. Most of the time, they are looking for silence, meaning someone to just listen to them, and hold their hand through the darkness.

For example, the other day, I called my bestie because my imposter syndrome was on top of me telling me that I was too big of a loser to be able to write a second book. After I told her how I was feeling, she responded with, “Do you want me to help or just listen?”

I told her I just wanted her to listen. So, I blabbed and blabbed about all the nonsense that was going on in my unmedicated ADHD mind (IYKYK), and when I got to the end, I was ready to for her to help.

Helping someone during a moment like that, involves a lot of listening and reassurance. My bestie asked me why I wanted to write my book, and other questions like that that require specific answers, and before I knew I was out of the darkness and off on the writing train.

I just needed a place where I could process out loud but with someone who could safely get me back on track. People have big feelings. It’s just the way it is and we need to stop acting like this is untrue. And if people don’t have spaces to have these big feelings, they look for ways to cope with them down the road.

Enter addictions.

I know this is an extreme leap, and for the most part, we all want to believe that it won’t happen to us, but you guys, it’s happening. It’s happening to other people. And we need to do better.

While addiction is an extreme end of the mental health spectrum, I think we need to talk more about how much depression can lead to addiction and how again, we need to be more educated on the real signs of depression and how to help people who are struggling with it.

And not just through therapists and medical things.

I am not talking about your friends, neighbors, coworkers, etc., being able to come to you and say, “hey man, I’m thinking about some stuff that I don’t think I should be thinking about” WITHOUT being discredited, judged, made fun of, told to go to therapy as an insult, or whatever else. People sometimes just need to be able to talk. That’s it. Just talk.

Sometimes talking is all a person needs. But out of shame and fear of judgement, most people don’t really talk about what’s really going on with them, especially men.

That’s what I’m trying to change. To change the response that people have when they hear these types of uncomfortable statements.

Instead of shaming the people struggling with something awful and painful and fucking exhausting (depression and suicidal thoughts), why don’t we start being better listeners for them? Why don’t we put the responsibility on ourselves of just simply accepting that this person believes these things in their mind, so how can I help them? It doesn’t matter that I may not personally know or understand it, but I do know that I do care and love this person very much so I need to do better at helping them.

And by help them, I mean starting to spread knowledge and educate people of what we can do to be more receptive of a person in crisis mentally before it becomes a full on real life crisis, like a funeral.

We need to bridge the mental health gap, and we’re going to do it through communication, by talking and listening to people on both sides of the spectrum; husbands and wives, parents and kids, bosses and coworkers, coparents and new spouses, etc. I could go on and on. Mental health affects everyone and it does not discriminate.

How we began to build this bridge was by telling suicidal people to speak up more and ask for help. Basically, that’s been the message.

BUT, what if they were? What if they were trying to ask for help but we don’t know what that looks like? Or we don’t know how to respond to it when we finally see it?

Do you see what I mean? By building the bridge…we have the people struggling on one side trying to build their way to us by telling us how they are feeling, no matter how hard and scary that may be. Now, it is our turn to start building our side of the bridge to be strong enough to hold the weight of their truths.

What this looks like….The next time someone in your life tells you a terrible feeling they are having, do not respond with a logical response of disagreement. It discredits them. (We all know this feeling and it causes people to shut down.)

In children what this often looks like is…..”Mommy/Daddy will you play with me?”……Pay attention to how you respond to that the next time your child asks for that. Because children can’t say, “I’m having a bad day and I need your attention.”

In daughters this often looks like…”I’m not as pretty as…”, “My body isn’t like hers….”, etc. Your natural response will be “Yes you are!” BUT that negates her FEELING she is having. It doesn’t matter that you know that her thought is not true. You know it. But she doesn’t. And you telling her she is just straight up wrong about how she is feeling isn’t helping.

In partners this often looks like……I don’t have a partner so you’re shit outta luck here, but the same logic applies.

When your people start to tell you these types of feelings (i.e. they start building their side of the bridge), do better at truly listening to their problem, and not trying to fix it (Solutions or Silence). Do your part and start building your side of the bridge.

I truly feel like Matthew Perry embodied this ideology; talk more about hard things, realize that you won’t die by having hard discussions, and end up saving more lives because of it.

I’ve said this many times before but more people than you know struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. I know it’s hard to hear and always difficult to think about. But, the faster and quicker we build this damn bridge the less we’ll have to talk about it because we’ll be preventing the shit out of it.

I’m not saying every single person needs to be out here having Dr. Phil type conversations daily at the breakfast table. I’m simply saying that I truly believe we’ll be able to start helping a lot of people just by simply doing better. By listening more intently to what’s NOT being said. By being okay with what someone is really feeling and holding their hand through it. By not ignoring things that are right in front of you because it’s too uncomfortable to face.

Now, I always know how raw and real this topic is. And it’s never fun to talk about, but my goal is for every person that reads this article to walk away from it, find themselves in a situation I mentioned above, and end up paying more attention to their behavior because of it. That’s all I want. I want everyone to be better.

Because once you know better, you can do better, right?!

Now, I have an extra hammer for anyone who wants to get to work on building this bridge with me. I damn sure can’t build it myself.

Happy Trails,

Em