Mom of the Year

Thank you all for coming! I am so honored to be chosen for this week’s “Mom of the Year” award, especially since I know so many other amazing mothers that were considered also. To those other amazing mothers, I may have won this award this week, but don’t be discouraged!! There’s a new trophy always in the making!

Before I get into how I got this award, I first want to thank my precious little boy Theodore. You know, when you were born, you rocked my world. I had know clue how to be a mother, but the moment I met you, I knew that I would cut a bitch, if they even tried to pull your perfect little hair. I mean, I barely even knew you! I was holding you for merely SECONDS, and I just KNEW that I would do ANYTHING in the world to protect you. But, the thought did go through my head; how on earth can I love him this much? I mean I don’t even know him!! I know it’s sounds silly, but for a split second I truly thought that. But then, you wrapped your brand new, fresh and wrinkly, tiny hand around my thumb and you squeezed. And I realized that I knew you. I’ve always known you. Because you are mine. Bubba, you helped me realize what life was about the day you were born, and you continue to remind me of that everyday. Thank you, my sweet Theodore.

Ok. Now. I suppose it’s time to divulge the reason I won this award for the week.

Josh, Theodore’s dad, text me reminding me that the next day of school was supposed to be pajama day, so, “don’t forget”! Josh was a week off in the date of pajama at the time of this text. This information is vital for the story.

Ugh. He texted me that as if I need to be reminded or something……

Or he texted me that because we were together for almost 10 years and he just knows me. And I’m basically Forgetful Fergie over here.

So, he text me to remind me (which I always appreciate), and I woke up the next day over-the-top excited.

For those of you who are new here, I was a bit of a HUGE fan of dress up days when I was in school, and I currently hold a title, as a grown ass woman, for Most Creative Halloween Costume. Needless to say, I am a huge fan of dress up days, so naturally, my son is into it, too!

He was even more excited than I was. I pulled out his new Batman onesie pajamas that zip up, and it also has a hood that has “bat ears” on it, to look even more like Batman. He looked absolutely adorable.

Also, the night before, he made me cut his hair, so, and I quote, “I look extra handsome”!

(HA! IS HE MY CHILD OR WHAT?!…..I feel like no one told me the super cool part of parenting when you realize you gave birth to an even cooler version of you and your partner?)

I dropped him off at the bus, and he waved excitedly goodbye as we blew each other a kiss.

His smile made me smile. I feel like my mom had that kind of smile. And I feel like I do too. And, now, so does my son. What a wonderful thing to pass on.

It got towards the end of the day, so I had to head to the bus stop. Not long after I arrived at the approach, the bus pulled up. I was SO excited to hear about Theodore’s day! He gets off the bus, and my excited smile was immediately erased from my face.

He comes over to my side of the pickup and SCREAMS at me, “IT WAS NOT PAJAMA DAY TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

YOU GUYSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Full disclosure…..I laughed so hard, I piddled. But I have leather seats, so it’s fine.

I’m not even joking. I could not stop laughing. Theodore was BAWLING, hysterically pissed. And I could not hold in my laughter. And I felt terrible about it!! I was not trying to embarrass him, but you know when something just tickles your damn funny bone???? That was this time. I just couldn’t stop laughing.

I also laughed even harder when I thought about how hard my mom would’ve laughed at that story. She lived for those kinds of moments.

We called his daddy and Theodore was equally pissed at him, too! Josh and I laughed and laughed. Josh literally never messes up stuff like that so I felt an even more amount of joy knowing that this was literally his fault. His response was, “Damnit” when I jokingly teased him about it.

I kept picturing Theodore’s day….Just totally excited and proud of his cute pj’s and new haircut, ready to show off a little bit….walking into the classroom…….AND NOT ONE FUCKING KID HAS ON PAJAMAS!!!!!!!!!! I keep picturing his little face, just full of embarrassment, and hatred for me. And can you imagine what the teachers at the school thought???? You guys!!!! I am still laughing as I’m typing this.

Like….”Um did you guys see that Emily just sent Theodore to school in his pajamas today? Is she okay?”

DYING LAUGHING.

He gets in the pickup and finally, FINALLY, calms down. He’s still so mad though he can barely talk to me. I quietly continue to die from laughter on the inside as he’s longing out the window, with his “bat ear” hood on still. Poor little Batman.

He told me that everyone teased him all day and, it was the “WORST DAY EVER”, so that felt great.

But then, the crown jewel happened.

We’re driving along now in total silence, for about 10 minutes. Finally, Theodore lets out the most dramatic sigh I’ve ever heard in my life.

(I instantly am giggling again, because hello…..he learned that from me!!!!!)

Based off of his dramatic breath, I knew something good was coming. I did not know, however, that my intelligent little boy has the ability to crush me.

Finally, he looks over at me, as he lets out another loud sigh. And says the most shocking thing I’ve ever heard him say.

He turns his head to look out the window, and says, “You know Mom, I love you, but I’m just really disappointed in you right now.”

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THERE. ARE. NO. WORDS.

You guys. He said, word for word, what I say to him when he’s in trouble. And he fucking nailed it. I mean, tone, delivery, pauses, inflection. It was Oscar worthy.

I honestly didn’t know if I should be upset or impressed. I do know, with 100% certainty, that having my 5 year old tell me he was so devastatingly disappointed in me that he couldn’t even manage to look at me, was a dagger to my heart. I’m not even joking.

I seriously was laughing, and then crying, and then laughing again.

It was the absolute funniest moment I have ever had with my child. And it was awesome.

Is this what it’s like? Please tell me it is. Like, do your kids keep getting cooler and cooler? I know they all go through hard times, and Theo will too…I mean, he is half Murphy, but besides that, do they keep getting cooler? Oh boy, I hope so!!!!!

Theodore and I are just having the absolute most fun right now and I feel like I’ve never enjoyed being a mom so much. This age is so incredibly fun.

BUT, I’m pretty sure I’ve decided I’m done having children. This decision was made not long after I had to babysit my little nephew Duke.

Oh my God, Duke is the absolute most adorable little farmer baby I have ever seen. And his mom dresses him in goddamn overalls. I literally can’t even. He is so fun and full of life and has a smile that is going to break some hearts. He is just perfect.

However. He’s one.

Have you been around a one year old lately? They suck.

Don’t get me wrong! I love all of my nieces and nephews. My brother and sister gave me the coolest gift ever of being an auntie. It’s honestly the coolest job in the world. You get to be almost best friends with these super cool, yet all incredibly unique and special in their own right people and you get to help guide them and watch them grow and succeed and learn. It’s incredible. I love, love, love all my babies.

But, let’s call a spade a spade. One year olds suck.

I forgot that one year olds have supersonic speed and zero cognitive awareness. By the time I went to throw his diaper away and come back, he had managed to crawl back behind the couch and get his head stuck. So, naturally, as this was obviously my fault, he was pissed at me. I immediately started doing all the stupid mom shit you do like silly dancing and goofy songs and he started laughing again. I was on a roll for awhile, but then, his sippy cup wasn’t the one he wanted anymore, or the one he didn’t just ask for 30 fucking seconds prior. So, I go to get him a new sippy cup, and come back to him with a mouthful of something or other and rushed to make him spit it out.

I mean. Jesus. Effing. Christ.

Now, keep in mind you guys, I have lupus. So, one of my very prominent symptoms is extreme fatigue. It’s an exhaustion that I truly can’t explain. So, for me, running around after this perfectly healthy, normally playful, wonderful little boy, wore me the fuck out. I mean, complete exhaustion.

I got home that night and instantly decided I am not doing that again. I physically can’t. My God.

(MAJOR SHOUT OUT HERE TO ALL YOU MAMAS OUT THERE DOIN’ IT ALL!!!!!! YOU ALL ARE ROCKSTARS!!!!!!)

Thankfully, I was finally able to bribe my way out of trouble with Theodore and pajama fiasco, through Dairy Queen. He got to get TWO treats instead of one. I obviously agreed, and probably would’ve bought him five. I did not want to “disappoint” him again, at least not today anyway.

Later that night, I went to go read Theodore his night time story, and he stopped me. He told me that tonight he didn’t want a story. I sat down next to him and I asked him if he was still mad at me.

He grabbed my hand and then said a phrase that I am going to use from here on out, for almost everything.

“You know mom, I’m not “big mad” at you anymore, but I’m still like “baby mad”, so is it okay if I don’t do a story tonight?”

I told him how sorry his dad and I were again and of course I agreed to his privacy. However, before I did, I had to reassure him how much I loved him, and his daddy loves him, and asked him if he knew that. He rolled his eyes and said “yesssssssss Mom, gawwwddddddddd” as if he was so annoyed he couldn’t stand it. Secretly, this made me giggle, because that is his silly way of being playful and teasing, and also telling me that he really was okay, but just needed some space.

Even though that stung, I went to my room feeling quite proud. I loved that he expressed himself to me and was open and honest about his feelings, and then I respected them. I am trying to teach him that that’s how a healthy relationship should be. And tonight, I feel like I saw some fruits of my labor.

Well, they seem to be flashing the lights on me now, meaning I need to wrap this up.

Obviously, it’s not easy being “Mom of the Year” but I will carry the title proudly. And, since I am so incredibly humble, I’d even be happy to share the title with any other moms out there who have similar qualifications to mine!

As always, thank you all for your love and support.

Thank you and goodnight.

Em