I Hope You Fail

I am a nervous traveler. Like extremely nervous. The week before a trip I’m going on, is like a week from hell. I am overthinking, overpacking, overstressing, you name it. I always feel the most unorganized right before I leave and then I start flooding myself with all the possible what-ifs that might happen while I’m gone. What if I forgot to turn something off? What if the fridge breaks? What if my house burns down? Yes, I am aware that these are all anxiety-induced fears, but they consume me. 

Despite my numerous anxiety attacks, I finally got on the road and headed south! I am heading down to Texas to go to school to become a Permanent Makeup Artist!!! I am so excited and oh so terrified! As I was driving, all these thoughts started going through my mind. The most common one that kept presenting itself was what if I fail?! What if I hate this? Did I just waste a bunch of money doing something that I’m going to suck at? What if I am bad at it? I have never done tattooing before, so how on earth am I going to do this? Again, what if I fail?

Those thoughts were consuming me. CONSUMING ME. Until finally, I slapped myself out of it and told myself, “I hope you fail”. 

Failure is one of life’s best teachers. You don’t learn from winning. You don’t learn from getting something right all the time. It is failure that teaches us that. Failure teaches us patience, humility, understanding, forgiveness, grit, and perseverance. Failure is a wonderful thing and I hope I fail. 

If I fail, all that means is I didn’t get it right the first time. Think of all the things you didn’t get right the first time. For me, there are a lot of things! I think about my son trying to walk for the first time. He would wobble a few steps and fall, then laugh, and then stand back up again. He did that for hours and hours until one day, he was just walking. He figured it out. He failed and failed, until he triumphed. 

We view failure as such a negative thing, but it really isn’t. Complete failure, to me, is just totally giving up and quitting. That is true failure. But trying something over and over again until you get it right isn’t failing. That’s how you learn how to win. 

Before I left for my trip, I called my dear friend Desirae and had a little mini meltdown. I told her to tell me that I can do this and that I shouldn’t be scared, right? She agreed, but then she paused. When she finally spoke again, she sounded shocked. She told me, “Honestly, I am completely caught off-guard by this. I’ve never known you to fear something. You have never talked to me about this before.”

And I hadn’t. I have never talked to her about my fears or even shown a side of me that gets scared. I laughed after she said that because it was so true, but it was also a very real, genuine moment between friends. Of course, I get scared. Of course, I have fears. But she is right, I do not talk about them. I have too much of my mother in me where you just do it scared. You fake it until you make it. You soldier on. 

That is how I operate 98% of my life, but every now and then those thoughts creep in, and in a weak moment, they take over. 

Thank God for my tribe. I called some of my favorite people on my drive down and they each talked me off this scared ledge I was on. They all reminded me that I can do this. One friend, specifically, told me, “Even if you fail at first Em, you are going to learn. Then you’re going to try again the next day until you get it right.”

That advice was so simple but so necessary for me to hear in that moment. He was right. Even if I fail, at first, I will succeed by the end. 

Because honestly, what am I gonna do? Go to class, suck at it, and then what, leave? Just get back in my pickup and head home? I THINK THE FUCK NOT. 

When I thought about it like that, the fire inside me was reignited. The competitive side of me came out in full force. I am ready to rock this. And yes, I will fail at first. But I will not fail overall. I will come home as a certified permanent makeup artist, and I will be excellent at it. It’s just who I am. Yes, it will take time and practice, but all good things do. Nothing good comes easy. It takes a lot of failure, and my goal is to keep failing, all the way to the top. 

That is also my hope for you. I hope that you fail at your next adventure too. Because if you are failing, that means you are trying. You are trying to be better. And of course, you’re going to fail. But think about every time you fail, you learn, and you grow. Then you apply that new knowledge and get better. Every time you fail, you are moving one step closer to where you want to be. 

Trying something new is scary. It is overwhelming. You do doubt yourself at first and that is okay. I had to remind myself of that on this trip. It is okay that I’m scared. Because I’m still doing it. Besides, I would rather be the girl in the arena trying and failing over and over again, than just sitting in the cheap seats watching and judging other people for failing. 

So, to all of you, my beautiful friends, I hope you are failing. I hope you are challenging yourself to try new, hard things. I hope you are scared at first because that means you care. I hope you have a little moment of doubt that is awakened by your inner power. I hope you fail. And fail again. 

I hope you fail, all the way to the fucking top. I’ll see you up there!

Happy trails, 

Em