Askin’ Em’s Advice

Dear Validation Seeker,

I read your message asking my thoughts on dealing with seeking validation, especially from parents, but never getting it and how that is tough and makes you feel like a failure, even as an adult grown person.

My dear sweet friend, I have been there. I have sought validation my whole damn life.

And guess where I found it?

In me.

That’s right. It was in me to heal myself and let go of that need of validation from other people and start getting to work on validating myself.

It’s ironic that you brought this question to me since I just spoke to my therapist, Barb, about this not long ago.

I was frustrated one day because, as I was explaining to my therapist, that I just don’t feel like anyone is proud of me or how far I’ve come or what I’ve accomplished, etc. I just felt so desperate for someone to acknowledge me.

And then Barb said the most harsh and true statement I’ve heard in a long time.

She simply said to me, “Ok, Emily. Let’s say you get that validation. Your mom comes back to life just to tell you she’s proud of you. Then what? The next day it’s still gonna go back to what it is. You are still going to be in this same spot and feel this way.”

“So what do I do?” I asked.

She reminded me that I need to take back my control.

Boom. That statement will always fire me up and get my blood pumping.

Take back my control!!! Why am I seeking validation so hard from others? Why is THEIR approval of me so important?

Then it hit me. I needed someone else to validate me because for a long time I didn’t know who I was or what road I was going to go down.

And I think it’s fair to say, for any of you who know me, that I don’t think anyone ever really knew what road I was gonna go down. I honestly could have ran off with biker man, moved to Hollywood, joined a punk rock band…I mean the possibilities were endless.

Thankfully, now that I have grown older and gained so much wisdom from all of life’s ups and downs, I have a much more clear self image and I know exactly who the fuck I am.

I say that aggressively, because I feel it aggressively. I have worked very hard on working on my mental health and healing my trauma. And it has by far been the absolute hardest and most rewarding work I’ve ever done.

Now, I truly don’t seek anyone else’s validation. Ever.

And you can ask around about me. I’m not known for taking anyone’s shit or keeping my mouth shut, it’s just now I’ve learned how to handle things in a more professional manner. For example, it truly usually is best to just walk away from toxic situations, instead of throat punching them.

See what I mean? Growth. *sarcastic winky face emoji*

What sparked this whole validation seeking problem for me was a conversation with someone about my business. I had had a really exciting day with work and God was sending some blessings my way and I was very excited about it. When I was talking about that, it was said to me, “Oh you’re still doing that little business, huh?”

It was just so dismissive and man it hurt my feelings. I honestly felt like what the fuck?

I was so pissed off. I bitched to my therapist about this and that’s when she reminded me to take back my own control.

When you set your emotions aside and truly look at the facts of the situation, you can see it more clearly.

Why did I need that person to see my business as valid? Why did I need them to see what I’m creating?

The truth is, I didn’t. I didn’t need their approval. I still go to work everyday (if my lupus isn’t being a bitch) and I still get to work with wonderful people and I still get to make all my fun reels and I still get to do something I love every day.

IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER IF SOMEONE ELSE ISN’T VALIDATING YOU!!!!!

Say this over and over again until you believe it.

I was so proud of myself after my successful day, and I didn’t want that shitty comment to ruin it, so I went and celebrated with a DQ ice cream cake and it was awesome!

Sidenote: Did you know that you can go buy ice cream cake anytime you want? Like it’s not just for birthdays? Sometimes adulting is cool.

I bought my cake and I ate it too. I celebrated myself and I began writing down new goals to work for. I started working on myself to make myself proud. Once I started feeling that, the need of other people’s approval became completely obsolete.

No one else on this earth understands my journey. And the same goes for you, my dear. I am no longer accepting advice or judgement from people who truly do not know my story (even though some think they do) and I’m not willing to make myself small ever again just so someone else doesn’t feel uncomfortable.

Start focusing inward. Start doing your own healing. Start doing your own gratitude journaling. If you are proud of what you are doing, celebrate it! Have a dance party or go out to dinner or take a fun picture that makes you feel sexy. Do something to acknowledge your achievements. I promise you it helps.

If you are not proud of what you are doing, well this is where the real work begins. One thing that I truly had to face and accept, and then begin to heal, was the the fact that I was almost looking to everyone else for their approval on who I should be. I wanted to make everyone proud so I was people-pleasing the shit out of life and totally neglecting my own boundaries and peace. It’s almost like because I was so lost I needed someone else to tell me who to be.

So now all of that hits differently because had I continued seeking and waiting for people’s approval, I wouldn’t be where I am now, and most importantly, I wouldn’t be who I am now. And I love who I am now. I am proud of her. I am so damn proud of her actually it makes me cry.

Start taking care of yourself as hard as you take care of your kids and everyone else. Your mental state is the most important thing and it’s a shame that we didn’t know this sooner.

For your specific situation with never feeling validated from your dad…I am going to say to you what my therapist said to me. If you got that approval from him, honestly what would change in your life? Sit down and think about that. What would it really change?

Nothing.

Because what you’re seeking cannot be found in your dad or anyone else. It is in you, my dear, and it sounds like it’s time to get to work on that self love babe.

I am wishing you the best and I truly hope you find the peace you are seeking. Don’t be so hard on your dad either. They came from a different generation and he has his own healing to do. Try to extend him some grace and try to love him for who he exactly is. The way Jesus loves all of us, flaws and all.

Happy healing!

Em