Don’t Wait to Learn

One thing I really wanted to do after my mom died was make big changes and stick with them and I am so glad I did.

One of those big changes I made was to stop being scared; scared to start my business, scared to go to the gym, scared to let people go, scared to move forward, etc. I quit stalling because I was scared and just to do things scared. 

And it’s completely changed my life. I started my business. I started working out. I started eating healthier. I started getting better with my lupus. And, I booked my swimming with sharks trip!! Don’t worry, I will definitely have a blog about that and more!!

I wanted to get started now on these changes because I realized I don’t want to wait until I’m 70 to realize I might be wrong and have some growing to do and, I can always learn something new. 

For example, I have always parented Theodore with an iron fist. It’s the way I was raised and it is a way that comes very natural for me to follow. But, then I took a step back and realized that Theo was blessed with my anxiety so I need to step my game up and parent him better. 

Not everything requires the most intense reaction. Sometimes a simple conversation will do and realizing this has changed my whole relationship with my son. 

Now, if I am frustrated, I talk to Theodore about it. And 9 times out of 10 we can figure it out. 

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely agree with the fact that sometimes a kid just needs a whoopin’ and Theodore understands this. But I really had to stop and realize that rarely does Theodore need a whoopin’. He is so tender-hearted and shy (when he is anxious). He just needs things explained to him a little bit more. He doesn’t respond to somebody raising their voice and freaking out. It actually makes him scared and shut down.

And do you know how I know that? Because that’s exactly how I was. Even to this day, fighting gives me severe anxiety. Like I can’t breathe. 

And I started to think about what did I need as a child that would’ve helped my anxiety? And I started applying that new knowledge to my son and it has been amazing. 

I really have to fight my instinct to want to just bark at him and focus on what the real issue is. 

For example, at the lake while I was setting up the tent, Theodore ran down by the water and I couldn’t find him for a few minutes. Thankfully, he was just down by the dock with other kids playing on the beach. But, my instinct was to chew his ass for not having his life jacket on.

“I mean, he knows this,” I think to myself. “I tell him every fucking time we go to the lake he needs his life jacket. What the hell!?”

However, he is still a 5 year old boy who saw other little boys down by the water, laughing and throwing rocks. Who wouldn’t want to run down there and play with them?!

So, instead of freaking out, I just spoke to him about how badly it scares me for him to be by the water without his life jacket. I told him that accidents can happen, and I just want him to be safe. Theodore immediately just said whoops and that he forgot. He ran and put it on and kept playing. 

Later on, that night, Theodore told me that he likes when I don’t yell at him and he was sorry again for forgetting his life jacket. 

I almost burst into tears. That wasn’t easy to hear. And it damn sure isn’t easy to write here either. 

This is like admitting that you’ve been a shitty parent sometimes and it’s time to correct that. 

Now, I know I am a great mother. My son is the light of my life and such a sweet boy. I still can’t believe we created him. He is just the coolest human ever. 

But, this was just another moment of healing for me and realizing that maybe I am a great mother, but I am not doing great at the discipline part. 

I mean, maybe going from zero to hundred and just flying off the fucking handle isn’t always the way to go. 

I know that when someone does that to me, I don’t like it. So why should I expect my son to respond to it? 

I just realized I was being a selfish parent and letting my frustration get the best of me. Instead of taking a beat, and a breath, and talking it out, I just wanted to immediately go to the threat of a whoopin’. 

Also, I want to be very clear, I am not condoning abuse or anything harmful and too awful to even write here. I am talking about a swat on the behind when you’re being a shit. 

Like, I used to just immediately react and say, “If you draw on the wall again, you’re getting a whoopin’!”

Granted, if he DID continue to draw on the wall, he deserves a little swat. However, have I done everything to explain to him why I don’t want him drawing on the walls? No. Probably not.

So, instead, this time, I went and got a paint brush for him and some paint and made him paint over everything he drew on before he could have his friend over to jump on the tramp. I showed him how hard he had to work to fix that mistake and that it really wasn’t a lot of fun to do that. I told him that he can draw on the wall anytime he wants, but he will have to paint over it all again. 

Later on that day, his friend came over. While they were outside on the tramp, I overheard from my bedroom window Theodore giving very stern instructions that she is not allowed to draw on the walls because he has to paint it to fix it and it is “real hard work”. He then swooped his hand across his forehand, like the universal symbol implying you’ve put in a hard day’s work because you’re wiping sweat off your brow. My little dramatic Theodore.

I thanked God that night for letting me be present in that moment to hear that sweet little conversation. It really showed me that how we do this as parents matters and just because we’ve always done something one way, doesn’t mean that that is the right way. 

I don’t want to do something just because “That’s how my parents did it” or “That’s how we’ve always done it”. That is so selfish. 

I want to do what’s best for my child and seeing how much he has softened around me and how much his anxiety has improved shows me that this is a better way to discipline him. 

Even though its tough to admit my parenting mistakes out loud because we are already so judged for everything we do, I’m proud of myself for not waiting until it’s too late to learn something new. 

I don’t ever want Theodore to hide things from me and I had to realize that in order for that to happen, I need to be his safe place, not his fear. I need to come from a place of understanding, and not always just from reaction. 

So, don’t wait until you’re older to learn something new, whether it’s a hobby or a new parenting strategy. Don’t wait to learn. Don’t force your children to suffer through trauma just because that’s how it was for you. 

In the words of the famous Maya Angelou, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Happy Trails,

Em